If you know me at all, you've probably noticed my nervous demeanor. I bail on plans last minute, make excuses to stay home, shake my legs, have constant stomach aches, and fear anything unknown. All caused by the whirlwind of anxiety that dwells in my mind.
I am not good at hiding my anxiety. When my anxiety hits, it hits full force and there is no stopping it. You will try to tell me to calm down and take deep breaths, trying hard to confine an already huge fire. I appreciate you trying your best to help, but when I am at this point of panic there is no helping me. We must just wait around and let it pass, but thank you for never letting me have to face my anxiety alone. I know my anxiety attacks can be hard for you to deal with and put a strain on our relationship. Whether you are my friend or family it is hard, and I have watched you struggle through it with me, which is why I feel the need to write this.
If you do not deal with anxiety personally, you have no idea what I'm going through when an attack hits, so let me try to put my emotions into words. You feel tortured like you are going to die. I like to compare anxiety to a rough ocean. You feel as though you're about to drown. You're alive but your heads barely above water, and something keeps dragging you down. Every moment feels long and hard. The more anxiety I have the more I continue to drown and the rougher the waves get.
When I feel this way I know you want to help me. I can see you looking for any solution to me feeling this way. You offer tea and saltines, my two favorite things but I don't want them. You sit and try to color with me but my hands are so shaky I can't stay inside the lines. You try to hug me but I don't want to be touched. You sing to me but the pounding in my head is enough noise for now and you stop. You feel helpless, you tell me to calm down, you say it will be ok. I need you to stop trying to rationalize with my irrational thoughts. Neither of us knows what to do at this point, to be honest. Just sit there with me and listen. This is all you can do at this point. Please don't get frustrated that I can't calm down, this will only make things worse. I appreciate all your trying to do but I will appreciate you sitting with me through the pain more than anything. Also, know that you are not obligated to fix me or make my anxiety disappear. I will never expect this, you are my friend or family, not a licensed psychologist.
Thank you for existing.Thank you for making sure I never face my scariest moments alone. Thank you for the kind things you do for me when things are rough. You are the type of person the world needs more of. Thank you for all the help, the late night phone calls, endless support, and being here for me 24/7. You are an amazing human being and I don't tell you enough how much I appreciate having someone like you in my life. This is a learning process for me and you. I will learn with new ways to cope with my anxiety, and I ask you to continue to be my friend and be here for me, even if it's difficult and I don't deserve it at times. Having you in my life is what makes this life worth living.
Love always,
An anxious person in your life.
