The holidays are upon us, and for some it is a magical time of laughter and light and cheer. But for others it is especially difficult compared to the rest of the year. While some families are coming together and sharing in meals and good times, others are mourning. Losing a loved one is never easy, and while the pain gets easier to deal with, it never really goes away. The holidays make this pain flair, like a vicious arthritis that sits at a dull ache most days, but flairs up with the cold reminder that the person you've lost is not there today every time someone murmurs, "Happy Holidays."
For some, it's been years since we lost them. For others, it's only been a few weeks. Death comes whenever it pleases and it leaves no apology. Amongst the apologies you receive every time you tell someone that they've passed, and the 'I'm here if you need me' when you give them an empty 'It's alright', there is hope for people mourning this holiday season.
Remember when you were young and your grandma brought you over to make her Christmas cookies? Maybe that was too long ago, but maybe you can remember the year your mom got you the exact book you wanted. Of course you remember that year, her cancer was in remission then. And you remember the New Year's of 2012 because your friend still loved themselves, and that's why you block out their suicide nearly a year later. Maybe this year is extra hard for you because you can remember making cookies with grandma finally, but her Alzheimer's made her forget.
The memory hurts, but the memory heals. Those we've lost can't make new holiday memories with us, but if they could, they would. And they would be filled with every grand emotions that they used to be. But they would also be incredibly disappointed in us, if they could see how we are wasting the chance for good memories in their absence.
People die twice, once when their heart stops and again when someone says their name for the last time. If we sit and simply mourn, we start to kill the memory of those we've lost. So talk about it. Talk about how you lost them, talk about how it hurt. Then talk about the time you and your friends went ice skating when you were in high school and how your mom loved to ice skate. Then go fall down a few times for her since she can't. Talk about the cookies your grandma used to make, and then call up your best friend to make your own. They won't taste as good as grandma's, but at least you'll laugh when they're done. Happiness is a choice, and while the holidays are hard, the ones we love aren't all gone. There are still people in your life who want to share laughs with you, who want to make new memories with you. Don't kill your chances at healing by being a scrooge.
Happy Holidays, to you and your kin.
