Hey…
I guess I should say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach your impossible expectations of who I was supposed to be in your eyes. I’m sorry that I drifted away from who you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I wasn’t good enough no matter how hard I tried. I’m sorry that I formulated my own opinions and wasn’t afraid to share them with you. I’m sorry that I grew a backbone and stopped letting you dictate who I became.
But here’s the problem with apologizing for all of this. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry that I chose to be myself. I’m not sorry that I decided to be who I wanted to be rather than who you expected. I’m not sorry that I wasn’t good enough for you because that’s your problem, not mine. I’m good enough for myself and other people, too, just not you. I’m not sorry about having my own ideas and voicing them. I’m not sorry that I chose my own path rather than one you thought I should be on. I have no reason to be sorry because it’s not my fault that I disappointed you.
Sure, I’m sorry that things have ended up the way they have. I don’t want it this way, but that’s just how it has come to be. Maybe one day it will change and we will be different and you’ll come to accept me for who I am, but I have known you for so long that I doubt that will happen. I let you down, and there’s no way that I can change that. It has come to this because you don’t like who I am, but I like the person I have become. I’m fairly certain that neither side will back down and that no white flag will be raised, but I still hold hope that it’s possible.
When I look at myself and think about who I am, I’m proud of everything I have accomplished and the person I have become despite everything that I have been through. I’m proud of who I am and I always will be. I still wish you could feel the same way, and maybe someday you will. I hope you will. But if not, it’s just the way things are going to be, because I’m never going to be the person you expected me to be, or wanted me to be.
I know I disappointed you. I know I’m not who you wanted me to be or thought I should be. But I can’t change that because I will never be that person. I can only be myself, and if you can’t accept that, then there is nothing we can do. Things will never change if we cannot come to accept each other and our choices.
I’m not saying I’m innocent in this because I’m not. But I’m also not guilty. In fact, there is no innocence or guilt in this situation. Rather, we are just standing in the sand with a line drawn between us and neither of us is willing to cross it. In order for me to cross it, I’ll have to give up who I am and conform to who you wish I was. But if you cross it, you’ll have to let go of the person you want me to be and accept who I have become. I’m not sure either of us will ever cross that line. I know I won’t because I will never give up who I am, because I like who I am, even if you don’t. That’s what matters; I like who I am.
I’m not sorry for who I have come to be, though. I know I’m not perfect, and I know that you always wanted me to be. Here’s the thing, I’ll never be perfect because perfection is unattainable. But every day I am growing and learning and changing. I am always trying to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. I am always moving forward. Hopefully, one day that will be enough for you because that’s all I can give to you.
Sincerely,
The girl who let you down, but made herself proud in the process.