Hi there,

You probably won't read this, but if you do, I hope that you forgive me. I also hope that in writing this, I can truly find closure.

I was 15 when we first met and you weren't much older, but you found that year of age difference substantial. Two years later, you used that as your escape card — your excuse to let me go. You told me that I had too much to look forward to, too many boys to meet, too many great things to pursue. You told me that I was too smart, too full of potential, too far away.

If you were right about any of those things, you were right in saying that I was too far away. Yeah, we lived in separate towns. You were a freshman in college and I was finishing up senior year; we were at different places in our lives, but that's not the type of distance I'm talking about.

I was too far away because I wasn't present in the sense of falling for you. Rather, I embraced falling in love with the idea of you and who I wanted you to be, and it is for that reason that I'm sorry.

In all honesty, I thought that the problem was you. All I wanted was to fall in love and I picked you knowing that you were unattainable; it doesn't matter if that was due to your physical or emotional distance. I just wanted to have a connection that I could feel from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes and the fact that I didn't have you right there beside me allowed me to pretend that I was in that state.

You held me at arm's' length and to bridge that gap, I projected my feelings more than I should have. The more you pushed, the closer I drew to you, because apparently I like to torture myself with the feeling of want -- the feeling of wishing and wishing and wishing, but never getting.

I don't blame you for retreating. I don't blame you for rescinding your feelings and leaving me to wonder about our outcome. If anything, your distance caused me to see a lot of things. What I saw was that I didn't really know you. All I knew was who I wanted you to be, and when you didn't deliver, I wanted so badly to accept those differences just for the sake of possibility. Working hard would make it possible for us to be together, right?

The kind of pressure that I put on you wasn't fair. I was too selfish, too young to see that I was trying to force you into a relationship you never wanted. Instead of discouraging me, your silence propelled me into a state of longing. You didn't want me and that made me want you more. Our dissonance was obvious, but I was unwilling to accept that. I couldn't accept that people change their minds, that feelings evolve into different feelings, that maybe some other girl is better suited for you.

I think I put too much faith in the persona I created for you. Even after things ended, I desperately craved your friendship just so I could have something to hold onto.

I really am sorry. I chased and chased after you without realizing that fighting for something that you no longer wanted might not change your mind about things. I'm sorry I only considered my feelings and my wants. I'm sorry that I got caught up in a fairytale I stitched together from romantic comedies and Taylor Swift songs.

Most of all, I'm sorry I never saw you for you. You are so much more than an idea to fall "in love" with, and I wish I would've realized that sooner.