Dear mom/dad,

You left. Plain and simple. I know it’s been years and I’ve been told God knows how many times that time heals all wounds. That one day, I won’t have this parent shaped hole in my heart that you carved when you walked out. I know that the only way to move on is to forgive; that whether or not I have closure lay in my own hands. But forgiving the sole reason behind abandonment issues that resonate throughout every single relationship and friendship I’ve had over the last 12 years isn’t anywhere close to the top of my to-do list. I can’t bring myself to forgive the hurt that keeps on growing every day.

You left me empty and alone. You broke the eternal promise you made to the parent who saved me from insanity the day you walked out. Until death do you part? Looks like both of my parents are alive and well to me. I never asked to spend 18 years of my life without a mother -- you chose it for me. The decision to not have someone to go prom shopping with, or help me decorate my dorm, or to teach me how to make the best damn tatertot casserole everyone in the house loved until you left.

All of the hurt, the emptiness, the beginning of a battle against mental illness that stemmed from your absence. The nights I laid awake at night, wondering what it would be like to know the comfort of having two parents who love you to come home to every night after rehearsal; two parents standing side by side, congratulating me outside of the auditorium that I performed my first musical in. A mom and a dad cheering me on from the benches from my very first t-ball game, to the last softball game 11 years later. A family tree without a missing branch.

All of it.

Thank you for it. Your absence has driven me to be the independent, resilient, intelligent young adult I am today. You single-handedly taught me how not to raise a child, should I decide to have kids someday. Because of you, I learned to believe in myself, because God knows I can’t depend on anyone else to. I keep my distance because of you; I’ve conditioned myself to not let anyone break down my walls too quickly, because who knows, they might just leave, too. Thank you for teaching me how to be a decent human being, by showing me what the exact opposite looks like. Some see growing up quickly as a curse, but I see it as the biggest blessing you could have possibly given me. I grew up to be independent; to be prepared to weather every storm by myself. I grew up strong. Stronger than you ever could have imagined, and it is all thanks to you.

Thank you. Thank you for leaving. I couldn’t have become the person I am today without it.

Love always,