Not many people can say they have had a perfect streak of failing every single one of their math tests senior year, and if they can they probably did not have A’s in every other class like I did. Furthermore, those who failed were probably not excelling in two college level classes, and if by chance all these factors lined up then they probably did not study for hours like I did.
Math has always been my worst subject but you know that, you know that because I failed your class horribly. You know that I spent every free moment doing test corrections, studying, or getting tutored, because I was not okay failing. I was not okay with my transcript having all A’s and an F, but mostly I knew I wouldn’t graduate if I didn’t pass your class, so I was the hardest worker with the worst grade. A contradictory statement that defined my time in your class. My free moments were spent reworking equations and asking questions, all while the guy sleeping in the corner maintained an A+ average. My hard work was not paying off but I never gave up.
I wanted nothing more than to show I was better than my failing grade, and it didn’t define me, it wasn’t who I was. I wanted to show you my transcript so you could see I was a good student and it was not the contagious disease senioritis people kept playing it off as. I was not failing because of a fake disease so many other seniors claimed to have. I wrote a ten page paper, gave a thirty minute presentation, did a White House simulation, made pasta from scratch, and I was still getting beat by your math equations. Sometimes I did not even know what I didn’t understand, my lack of foundation just added insult to injury with your class. None of it mattered though, I had a perfect streak of failing all your tests, no matter how hard I worked, and that’s all anyone saw, including the Vice Principal who called me into his office and asked me if I planned on graduating. An all A student, accepted into a great college, and for the first time I didn’t know so I just told him “I hope so.”
Entering your class was the hardest part for me, because I was overwhelmed by anxiety. I sat in the back, not making eye contact, and hoping you would not call on me. I couldn’t handle the ridicule from other classmates when I explained that I didn’t know the answer, again, or asked if I could have help because according to your whole class “it’s so easy.” Yet when we had free time I was the only one working while everyone else was talking about partying or the newest makeup fad. Did you see that, or was it just ignored?
Test day always came so quickly and I never felt prepared. It was more like a game of trying to break my streak. 32 percent, 46 percent, and 51 percent, getting closer and closer each time but never being able to break the threshold that kept me confined for so long. It was all becoming more and more apparent that I would never break this streak and things would not change. Despite this I never stopped trying. I knew would fail but at least I could try to fail high, and whenever I did it was a mini victory. I think you always knew I would never pass.
Failing your chapter five test was the hardest. Tears in my eyes I looked at my failing grade, not upset over that considering I had gotten used to these grades, but more upset over the fact that I let you down again. I think beyond your tough exterior and loud voice you actually wanted me to succeed and it never happened. I never got to do a victory lap or hang my test on the fridge. I was defeated again by a piece of paper and it was a battle I knew I couldn’t win. The worst part was seeing the endless red marks on at least every single page of the test. The tests were at least four pages and sometimes I would never even get one right on a page. I’m sorry for all the ink you ran out of because of me.
Despite all this I wanted to thank you. Thank you for not making it easy and teaching me that everything in life is not going to be handed to me. Sometimes I am going to work so hard for something, working harder than everyone else, and I am still not going to do as well. Thank you for teaching me how to overcome adversity, and giving me a glimpse of what college is going to be like. Thank you failing me so much that half the year I didn’t think I would graduate, because even though I felt like giving up, I never did. Mostly thank you for being the hardest teacher I have ever had because you are also the teacher I learned the most from.
Three months ago I was worried about not walking across the stage but today my hard work payed off. I thought all year that I would be placed into remedial math that did not offer credit, but I tested into the math class we both wanted for me. So all the pain, sadness, and feeling of defeat was worth it because I think I finally broke my streak.
Sincerely,
A Former Student
