Your Mental Health Matters More Than Your Grades
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

From The Girl Who Sacrificed Her Mental Health For A 4.0

​My definition of "success" is warped.

23081
From The Girl Who Sacrificed Her Mental Health For A 4.0
tokyoexpressway / Flickr

"But I could do better." Constant echoes in the back of my mind, my brain urging me to just try a little harder, stay up a little later, stare at it a little longer — anything to make it perfect. "It'll all be worth it when you get your final grades. What's a semester of hell for a lifetime of success?" OK, I can do this. I know I'm capable of it, if I just put that extra effort in, give it 200 percent, then I'll get an A.

If I drive myself crazy enough, I'll be perfect.

Perfectionism is something that I only started struggling with once I was in college. In high school, I was a good student, but I maintained a happy balance. I didn't stress over my academics, I did my best and hoped for the best. At first, college was a wake-up call for me. I had to actually do work and, you guessed it, apply myself. This is when my toxic relationship with my grades began.

Once I realized that if I give it my all and more, I was capable of getting all A's. And, because I could, I had to. It started with that feeling from my first exam grade, and it was a feeling of self-fulfillment and success that I just loved. My grades were something that I could control — in fact, they felt like the only thing that I could control. So, I focused all of my energy on them.

In fact, I became obsessed.

I was on a pursuit of perfection, but it only led to disaster.

Everything became a competition. If I got a 94 on the first test, I had to do better on the next one. If the person next to me got a higher grade on an assignment, I was stupid and could have done better. If I got a mark that was below my standards, it was a mark on my person. I wasn't happy for anyone who did better than me, because I had to be the best. If I wasn't perfect, I wasn't good enough.

While my grades flourished, my mental health dwindled.

All of my energy was focused on perfection. All of my efforts were toward school, school, school.

I couldn't hang out, because I had to study.

I couldn't smile, because I was stressed about an exam.

I couldn't calm down, because my life would be over if I didn't do well.

I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop stressing. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I began to resent learning because of how I experienced it.

Learning quickly became a chore for me. I didn't want the experience, I just wanted to know everything that I needed to. If I was studying for an exam and didn't know something already, I would kick myself for it because I should have. I should have known, because then studying would be so much easier. You don't get A's from not knowing.

My definition of "success" is warped...

When you've set the bar high, it's hard to release yourself from the shackles of "success." My definition of success is a 4.0, which is a toxic mindset to have. It's easy enough for me to tell other people that "C's get degrees," or, "Just give it your best and learn something," but, at times, it seems impossible for me to heed my own advice. I feel stuck in a cycle of perfection and sometimes I wish that I could just bear to let myself down for once, to experience it, and to realize that maybe it's not the end of the world.

...but I am trying to do better for myself.

There is nothing wrong with striving for a 4.0, so long as it does not affect your mental health and well-being. For me, I am completely tormented by my own mind when it comes to this. So, I looked for support. The first time that I realized that what I was doing was unhealthy was when I realized how jealous I was of my friends who were OK with whatever score they got on a test, because they did all that they could. My problem is convincing myself that I didn't do all that I could if I didn't get an A. But, I'm trying.

I know that life isn't about grades and GPA. I know that college isn't about being perfect. I know that I don't want to spend my life pursuing the impossible, perfection.

So, heed my advice, and hopefully, I will take it myself: find balance, because there you will find health and happiness.

Nobody is going to give a rat's ass what you got on your Calc 1 exam your Freshman year of college.

Report this Content
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

71106
houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee
nappy.co

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

132806
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments