Dear Guy,
Having you be my friend is one of the best things that could’ve ever happened to me. But it is also probably one of the worst things. It was great until I started seeing you as more than just a friend and I realized I was falling for you. Now I am not saying I’m in love with you; I am saying I am in love with the thought of us. Everyone else can see us dating and I know we have brushed it off in the past, but that was the past.
We have had our moments of weakness when one of us might have had a little too much to drink,gotten lonely, and texted the other confessing their feelings and the other reciprocated. But then morning came full of regrets and the “oh I was just kidding,” followed by the “oh yeah me too. Lol” texts. For me, I was not kidding. I have these feelings for you that I cannot get rid of. I want them gone. I do not want to think of you in that way anymore. You are always on my mind, you and how happy you are with your girlfriend.
I think about you two together and it feels like someone is reaching inside my heart and squeezing it. I see how happy you guys are together and the changes you have made for her. I liked you the way you were, I wouldn’t have asked you to change. I have liked you for years, she hasn’t liked you that long because if she had, you guys would have gotten together sooner. But I get it, she has qualities about her that I do not. I don’t know what they are, but she has them.
I just keep on thinking about the text I received from you one night when I was on the train going home. You told me to break up with my at-the-time boyfriend so I could be with you. Funny story, I did break up with him after that. I did not break up with him because you told me to (you do not have THAT much control over me), there were other reasons at play. But why is it that you can tell me that, yet I cannot tell you the same? Why was it so okay that you were able to flirt with me while I was in a relationship and I cannot flirt with you when you are in one?
I want you in my life more, while at the same time wanting nothing to do with you. I miss you, yet also try to avoid you whenever I see you in the halls. I try to avoid you by wearing a hat and looking down, hoping you cannot tell it is me, hoping you do not hear my pounding heart when you walk past me.
I wonder when you had gotten this much control over me, and think back to when we first met and remember that even then, it was there. You wouldn’t pay attention in one of the two classes we had together, so I took notes for you. When it came near to test time, you would ask for my notes, and being head over heels for you, I gave them to you.
I wanted you to be mine all those years ago and I want you to be mine still. But you are someone else’s; you choose someone else. After all I have given you, all the time and energy I gave to you, you chose this girl over me. Can you even imagine what that is like? Probably not, because you got a girl you’ve liked since high school.
I did not get you, I just keep hoping that one day you will end things with her and come to me looking for comfort. If you do, I will give it to you, not as the girl who has all these feelings for you, but as your friend. I will be here for you, like I always am. I just wish you would see me.
Always,
Your friend
