To the “forever single ladies,”

I’m with you.

If you looked up “single” in the dictionary, you would probably find my name somewhere in the definition.

Seriously, I am perpetually single. I have been single for 21 years and counting. The closest I’ve come to a date was my junior prom. I have never had a boyfriend; I haven’t even ever had a “thing” with someone. I am just incredibly, seemingly incurably, single.

(Oh wait that’s wrong, I did have a boyfriend for like a month in fifth grade. Does that count? No? Yeah I know, but it was worth a shot.)

And yes, for a while, that made me really, really insecure. Actually, I still struggle with it sometimes. And the least helpful thing in the world is when girls who have dated or been pursued by a man give me advice:

“Oh I bet plenty of guys have been interested, they just didn’t show it.”

Wow thanks, your hypothetical “interested boys” are just the pick-me-up I needed.

“You should feel lucky, you haven’t had to go through any heartbreak yet.”

First of all, boyfriends aren’t the only people who have the power to break your heart, and I can assure you that my heart has had its fair share of breakage. Second of all, I do not feel “lucky;” I feel undesirable and where do you get off trying to tell me how to feel about something you don’t have experience with?

And there’s more crappy advice where that came from.

When you’ve been single your whole life, you just assume it's your own fault. Every movie and television show tells us we should be dating by at least high school, if not sooner. All the girls and boys around you in middle school are having flings, in high school everyone is dating someone, and there you are wondering if you’re even visible to males. And prom season is the worst because everyone is getting these adorable promposals and you’re already planning to go with your friends because nobody is going to ask you and you’re not about to kid yourself about it.

And you get to college and all you hear is “ring by spring” and “freshman mating season” and that one really nice boy who seemed like he might be interested is actually just really nice and also already dating a girl back home. Like seriously guys, wear a promise ring or write “taken” across your forehead, do something please this is too hard and I don’t like getting my hopes up.

There are girls my year that are already engaged and I haven’t even been on a date yet. Not one date. But it’s not even surprising because at some point I just kind of assumed I was undatable. I just accepted that boys didn’t like me, and that there must be something deeply wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s definitely my fault because I am the common factor in this ongoing pattern of singleness.

Now if you’re thinking this is just going to be a full article of complaints about my perpetual singleness, don’t worry, it isn’t. I just felt like I should explain to the well-dated girls of the world how we single ladies feel. And to the perpetually single Pringles of this world, I get you. I know how you feel. And when it’s coming from a girl who struggled a lot with her singleness, and still does on occasion, this next part should be a little easier to hear.

Alright ladies, so you’ve been single since birth, and you’re still going strong. I would first like to remind you, one more time for the people in the back, that you are still going strong.

You have gone this long without a boy and you are totally fine. I mean, other than the deep insecurities that occasionally plague you, but that’s more due to societal expectations; that’s not your fault. Seriously, look at where you are. All by your fine self, no man no problem.

And now I would like to give you the benefits of being single. And not those crappy excuses for benefits that the girls who seem to have been dating since they started puberty try to feed you. (If you are one of those girls, keep reading. It’s not your fault you don’t know what your single friends are feeling, and you can still know how to encourage them.) No y’all, these are the real deal.

1. More time

Do you have any idea how much time relationships take up? I know from the relationships my close friends have been in; they take up a lot of time. And it should be like that! When someone is your best friend and kissing buddy, you should spend time with them. And it’s fun to spend time with them and go on dates and stuff.

But when you’re single, you don’t have any specific person to whom you have to pay special attention. You are free wheelin'. You have so much free time to spend on amazing opportunities. Or on homework, or a lazy girls’ day in. Seriously, look at how much time you’re not spending on a man right now. Someday maybe you’ll have a person to invest it in, but for now the time investment possibilities are endless. Do something amazing.

2. More friendship

Some of that time you’re not investing in a man can be invested in friendships. In fact, a lot of that time should be invested in friendships. Go on friend dates. Seriously. Go. On. Friend dates. They are so much fun. You just get to be one-on-one with someone you love and care about and do dumb things like run errands or go bowling or binge watch Netflix. It’s awesome.

Connect with your friends on a deeper level before you’re “tied down.” Learn their stories. Follow more than just their Instagrams; follow their lives. Know what’s going on, give support, ask questions, buy them random little presents just for the heck of it. You don’t have one specific person to dote on, so dote on everyone. It will be far easier to maintain those relationships when you do get into a romantic relationship if it becomes such a big part of your life. And besides that, deep friendships are wonderful and beautiful and important and you should invest in them.

3. More mystery

Who are you hanging out with tonight? It’s pretty open actually. What are you doing for fall break? Actually you could go home with any one of like, five people; it just depends. There are so many options that are open when there’s not that one man in your life. Where do you want to go after school? You’re planning your life around nobody. You could go anywhere.

And the biggest, most open mystery is your love life. Seriously, think about it. There are all these cute single guys. Some are your friends. Some you haven’t met yet. And maybe one of them, maybe soon, is going to become way more to you than you ever expected. And you don’t even know it. There’s an unknown adventure waiting for you, and that’s kind of exciting.

4. More yourself

No, this isn’t narcissistic. It isn’t that you have more time for yourself, but that you are entirely yourself. You have never had a boy or a man be a part of your identity. That has never been an issue. You have had time to figure out who you are with no dependence on your cuddle buddy to help you figure out who you are. And now, when you do find a man, you will not be as tempted to define yourself with him. To pull from the Nathan Kress wedding video, he will complement you, not complete you.

5. More Jesus

While we’re talking about how you don’t define yourself with a man, let’s talk about who you have had time to define yourself in. You have the freedom to easily bury yourself in the love of Jesus, to the point that there’s no way any future relationships wouldn’t be God-honoring because you’re in too deep. Any future relationship would have to start in Christ.

You have the freedom to solely lean on Jesus because there’s no boy tempting you to lean on him. It’s really freeing to know that you only have Jesus.

I’m sure there must be other benefits. Yeah, there are definitely other benefits. But I’m going to stop there because it seems like a good place to stop.

Look, the point is, who cares if you’re single? Yeah sure, there’s more to be found in an intimate romantic relationship. But there’s an entirely different kind of more-to-be-found in seizing your single life and doing great things with it. Find more time, more friendship, more mystery and more Jesus in your lack of a male counterpart. And don’t settle until you find a man that can take your time and give you even more friendship and love, who can take your mystery and give you more safety with yet even more adventure, and who joins you in your Jesus and unites with you in Christ and does life with you for God. That is absolutely the only man you want to be in your life.

Take heart, we’ve actually got it pretty good.

All my love,

A fellow single lady.