Words can’t describe the feelings I have had over the course of the past 13 years, but here I am sitting in my dorm lounge on my laptop trying to string something together to convey what I feel.
When I was 5, you decided that maybe no longer were my mom or myself good enough for you. You left us with little to no warning. I don’t think you understand the mental damage that did to 5-year-old me. I was supposed to be able to trust you, as I was flesh of your own flesh. I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong and why you left. You abandoned me when I was just five years old with no answer to why. It was a hide-n-seek game that didn’t end for another five years.
When I was roughly 7 or 8 you called me for our weekly Sunday call and told me you were getting married. You even said something about her being my new step mom. How dare you use that three letter word to describe anyone other than the one woman who was truly there for me nonstop. I cried that morning. You were officially gone and nothing would ever be the same. I couldn’t have those childish ideas of hoping you and mom would get back together. I didn’t know yet but it was a great thing that you never did get back together.
When I was 10, you finally decided to come back up to visit. I got to see you for the first time. I was so excited to think that maybe you would finally try to have a relationship with me other than a short phone call on Sundays. Wow, I was wrong. It was okay the first few days but after a while we ran out of things to talk about and I realized you were still a stranger just as you always have been.
When I got a little older, I realized that you were a stranger because of what you chose. You never wanted to be a dad. That’s why you acted that way. That’s why you left. I realized that I am enough and you leaving has nothing to do with me. I realized that I am old enough to choose whether I talk to you or not. You are states away and you have nothing to do with me
So ask me again how I am doing. I will reply and tell you that I am fine. Ask me again how school is going. I will tell you I am getting straight A’s that you never once helped me to achieve. Ask me again how the weather is because Lord knows that’s what almost all our conversations were. I will tell you that it is sunny and 75 even if it is the middle of winter, because you don’t really care. Do you? You only asked me those three halfhearted questions because you didn’t know what else to say to a stranger. These are the type of questions you ask a person walking by you on the street. These questions are the kind that you ask when you don’t really care about the answer, you’re just being polite. Well, stop being polite, because I’m done trying to be polite on my side.
I have realized that I don’t know your middle name or your favorite colors. I don’t know what you like to do other than work on cars because that’s all you ever seemed to care about. Not your little four-year-old daughter who wanted you to pay attention to her. Not your wife who was working her butt off to keep the house.
I think it all truly hit me when you couldn’t come to my graduation. For months I had been dropping hints and telling you the date. I even sent you one of those fancy announcements. But once again, someone came ahead of me and you were busy the day before graduation, and therefore decided not to come to one of my biggest accomplishments so far. It’s okay though because it goes to show how little you have to do with anything in my life. If you would have come to my graduation it would have been a ceremony for me to show you how great I am doing without you, contrary to what you might believe. You’ll never know how wonderful it felt to reply to your text that you sent to me three hours after graduation. Your only explanation to missing such an important event was that it just didn’t work out. You just couldn’t make it. Your excuses are invalid and I am sick of hearing them. That is why I said what I did. That is why I told you to not bother calling again. The only reason you talked to me was to make Grandma happy because oh how she wanted us to have a relationship. I love that woman dearly for wanting that, but she couldn’t force a father to be a dad.
She’s gone now and you let me know Monday by texting me something about wanting to talk more again and then added at the end that you were texting me to let me know Grandma passed away. Next week are her services and I pray I see you. I pray that you see me and regret what you have done these past 18 years. But I know you won’t. I know you won’t bat an eye or even care. I know that going through that receiving line will be awkward. I will shake your hand and that is it. I won’t give you a hug. I will keep on going right after. I will walk away from you the same way you walked away from me 13 years ago.
Don’t worry, though. I have a dad that stepped in when you couldn’t handle the job. I have an amazing family who supports me even if you don’t. I am still doing great. The weather is still sunny and 75. My grades are still doing great. I am happy without you and nothing about that will change.
Sincerely,
The daughter who is done with your crap.
