An Open Letter To The "Dad" That Never Wanted Me

An Open Letter To The "Dad" That Never Wanted Me

You meant nothing to me in my past, and you will mean nothing to me in my future.

Dear biological father,

First things first; I hate you. I hate the way you treated my mom, I hate that I share your DNA, I hate that I always seemed to see you everywhere, and most of all, I hate the way you made me feel about myself. I hate you so much for making me feel unwanted for so long.

I could never understand why you did not want me. My mom would say that it was because you hated her so much, but what kind of father gives up their kid because they didn't like the other parent? My mom would tell me that to make me feel better, but it only made me angrier. A real parent, someone who loved their child unconditionally, would have fought tooth and nail to have their child in their life. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised considering you didn't even believe I was your child.

To this day I still can't figure out why I get so upset that you did not want me. I have a loving father who would do anything for me, I have a mother who loves me unconditionally, I have two sisters whom I love more than anything and who I know I can count on when I need them. I have a brother who would drive me crazy when we were younger, but I knew he had my back no matter what. I have two amazing nieces and the best nephew in the whole world; I have everything. Why does the thought of you not wanting me bother me so badly?

Don't mistake this letter as an invitation to come back into my life, not that I think you would even try. This letter is my closure. If you do read this, I want you to know; I do not need you. You left me and every day I am so thankful that you did, because if you hadn't, I would not have the most amazing and caring Dad that I have now. He is the only father I need and will ever want. We may have had our ups and downs while I was growing up, but no matter what, he was there for me. My dad was able to do something you were never able to do, step up and be a Father.

I don't know if you knew it was me or what, but you used to come into where I worked all the time. Every time you set foot in that spaghetti house, I had to try so hard to keep my mouth shut and not lash out at you. Every time you came in, I had to fight myself not to ask you if you had any idea who I was. Every time you came in, I had to speak to you like I had no idea who you were. Every time you came in, it made me hate you so much more.

Even though I get upset when I think about how you didn't want me, I still will never need you in my life. You meant nothing to me in my past and you will mean nothing to me in my future. It's obvious that I have a very successful life without you in it. I am in college and I have a good job, and I have my family behind me no matter what. I grew up knowing that my biological father never wanted me, but I got so lucky in the end because I grew up with a man who is so much better at being a dad than you would've ever been.

Somehow I hope this letter makes it's way to you, so you can finally feel how you used to make me feel: unwanted.


The girl who finally got the courage to tell you she never needed you.

Cover Image Credit: Carlie Schofield

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10 Reasons Why My Mom Is My Hero

She's also my best friend.

My mom is pretty darn special. And I'd be kidding myself to say that I tell her enough how much I appreciate her. There aren't enough breaths in the day to thank her for all that she has done for me, and all that she will do for me. So this is for my momma, these are just a few of the reasons why I think she's pretty great.

1. I can talk to her about anything.

I know for a fact that no matter the issue and no matter the story, my mom will listen to the entire thing with nothing but compassion in her heart. I don't ever need to wonder if she will judge me because I know for a fact that she never will.

2. She gives the best hugs.

I don't care if I saw her yesterday or if I've been away for three months; my mom will always hug me like she hasn't seen me in years, and there isn't a better feeling in the world.

3. I have never met a more selfless person.

She has such a heart for others and I am constantly blown away by her devotion and passion for serving those around her. If I (or anyone else) needs anything, my mom is the first one to jump up, drop everything, and run to help. If I have half as much generosity as my mom someday, I know that I would be making a huge difference.

4. I am inspired by her.


5. She cares so much for me.

I know that no matter how old I grow to be, and how mature I may become, my mom will always be there for me. She will always be waiting with open arms to either congratulate me or console me. I have never felt more loved by any other human than I do by my mom.

6. She loves me unconditionally.

I will never ever need to worry that she will stop loving me. No matter the circumstances, no matter the phase of life that I'm in, my mom will always be there for me, loving me every step of the way.

7. She is my number one cheerleader.

I don't think I will every meet another person more dedicated to my success and ready to celebrate my accomplishments than my mom. She is hands-down my biggest supporter and will always be standing at the finish line of whatever race I may be running. I could be crawling across that finish line and she'd still be cheering for me the whole way.

8. I can always count on her to point me in the right direction.

My mom will pray for me. She'll encourage me. She will lead by example and through the counseling that she is always ready to provide. I know that I can always count on her to push me in the direction of my dreams.

9. She has the best laugh.

I could pick my mom's laugh out of a crowd of hundreds. Her ability to laugh at herself (and at her own cheesy jokes) are part of what makes her so amazing. But the sound of my mom's laugh has the capability to make anyone's day, including mine.

10. I never stop learning from her.

See points 1-9.

Mom, you are such an amazing woman, and there is simply no way that I could put it into words. So I'll simply say thank you. Thank you for all that you do for me, day-in and day out. Thank you for loving me, and showing me what it means to live like Jesus and everything else that you do. I hope that one day my daughter might love me as much as I love you.



Cover Image Credit: Ashley Burton

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Just Know That Grief Comes In Waves

My mother's birthday was September 14th and this year it was the hardest year since her death.


Grief on a loved one's birthday feels like a different kind of loss. Sure, you'll get the same feelings of loss and thoughts flooding your mind about all the things they've missed, but it feels different. I can't really put it into words all that well because I'm going through the same feelings right now as I write this on September 14th.

My mom passed away a week before Thanksgiving in 2015. She was pronounced brain dead two days earlier. It's still hard. The grief comes in waves, and I can be smiling and happy one moment and the next my anxiety gets a hold of me, and I'm sobbing. There were so many things I wish I could tell my mom or ask her. I can ask now, but I feel as if I'm speaking into oblivion. The hardest part about going through her birthday as if it's just another day is having all those thoughts I had running through my head the day she died, run through my head with perfect recall. I see everything all over again, and it hurts so bad.

At some point, the thoughts stop or slow down, but only for a moment. Everything I thought or felt during that week is brought up all over again in my head. Everything I did comes back with perfect recall. It's as if I'm watching a movie screen of my life through my eyes during only those moments. The day before she was pronounced brain dead, I visited her. She was talking to me, and we were watching a couple of movies (I didn't have a job at the time, and I wasn't in school, so I spent the day there with her). During the movie Brave (my mother loved children's films and sometimes preferred to watch those over other films), there's a part where Merida is worried she was too late to save her mom and that now she's stuck as a bear forever. I never cried during that movie, but during that part, I cried. I felt that I was losing my mom in the same way Merida thought she was losing her mom. After my mom died, I couldn't watch that movie for a good while, and there are still many movies that I can't watch without crying. That day I spent with my mom felt like I wasn't going to see her again. I picked my brothers up from school that day and considered going back to see my mom. I didn't. That's my biggest regret when it comes to my brothers and my mom. They hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks.

The grief comes in waves; it always will. Many people tell you it gets better, but it doesn't; you just have good days or awful ones (today is a particularly bad day for me because I can barely write this without having tears clouding my vision). The only thing I can think of to help ease the pain is to spend your time with family or people that will make you happy or smile. The death of loved ones is especially hard when you were very close to them.

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