Let me start off by saying this: you can try it all, spend all the money in the world, or cover up anything you want in hopes of fixing the outside, but it won’t matter. At the end of the day, there will always be people who love you for who you are, or not like you for who you are not. Coming from someone who has struggled her entire life with trying so hard to fit in, just to look and feel “normal” for once, I can tell you firsthand that anyone who judges you for something other than the goodness in your heart is not worth trying to change for. I am here to tell you that, believe it or not, it’s okay to embrace being different and it is especially important to be a voice for those who haven’t realized that yet.
I have a large port wine stain birthmark on my hand, arm, chest, and shoulder, (roughly 20 percent of my body). I have always known I was physically different from what is considered "normal." It never bothered me as a child because, at that age, none of us really knew enough to consider it a bad thing. Once I entered those monumental years of middle school, the years where we all compare every square inch of our bodies to everyone we know, I knew my life wasn’t going to be easy. It started when a boy in my English class screamed because my stained hand, which he thought was contagious, touched his when picking up handouts. It was horrifying, it was embarrassing and, most importantly, it ruined every ounce of self-confidence I had.
After that day, I did everything in my power to avoid exposing that part of my body to people out of fear that it would happen again. I did whatever I could: I wore scarves, long sleeves, literally anything to hide it. I underwent a handful of laser treatments to break up and lighten the pigment in my birthmark; these were not only extremely costly, but also painful beyond belief. Every day I was afraid to introduce myself to people, because I didn’t want them to ask questions. Honestly, it wasn’t just a birthmark. It was a physical representation of a thousand disgusted faces, a hundred questions, and a socially crippling burden. I never thought I would get over it. I thought I would never meet anyone’s standard of beauty, and I thought I would always feel inadequate or judged as being plain ugly.
Some days, I thought about this long and hard and, most days, it didn’t result in feeling at peace with my body. That’s okay. It’s normal. Nobody just wakes up one morning and realizes they’re deserving of the confidence they ridded themselves of all these years. I certainly didn’t stroll out of my house in a tank top without a care in the world and find that my problems and fears magically went away. What I did do, however, was change my perspective. I began to view my birthmark as a journey. I stopped viewing it as a burden and began viewing it as a monument of beauty, of overcoming adversity.
I still have bad days, but learning to love every inch of yourself inside and out, imperfections and all, is a process. What I can tell you is that it all started with me. It started with realizing that I am the only person who has to live with my demons and my fears, so why would I make the conscious decision to let them control me? It started with having courage, with letting myself be afraid and vulnerable. I slowly ditched the long sleeves and scarves, I let people ask questions, I smiled at people who stared a little too long, and I walked with the knowledge that I am worth more than my negative experiences. I looked at the people in my life, and realized that every single one of them loved me for the person I am, whether or not the marks on my skin were visible.
I know not everyone will relate to my story, but I do know that every person is deserving of love, most importantly the love you give yourself. It’s okay if you don’t believe it yet, and it’s okay if you have bad days. I never thought I'd get to where I am today, but here I am. So whether it is a bad haircut, a less-than-ideal weight, or a birthmark, find your inner peace. This is the only body you get, and it is yours alone: that should make you feel pretty special.
