An Open Letter To Those That Wander

Dear fellow wanderers,

My fingers are flying over the keyboard, raw emotion filling my head and computer screen as I hope for one second that I’ll be able to keep my thoughts in for just one moment more...

Thoughts of the feeling of the sun on my shoulders in city park, and the opening chords of my favorite song by that one band ring through the air. The rays beat down in time with the drums and I close my eyes and smile at the way the breeze lifts the curls from my neck.
We stood at the base of the stage, hands in the air, voices raised, hearts open. My friends next to me, pulses aligned and feelings flowing from us as freely as our deep breaths of autumn air.

I cannot shake the burning desire to feel like that again. The feeling of being brilliantly, beautifully, and blindingly free. The desire to explore and travel the universe, the desire to dream big.

In the process of trying so hard to find my place at school with my friends, relationship, and personal struggles, I almost feel as though I’ve forgotten the fundamentals that make me,me. I've lost simple mechanics of myself, like how I used to write every day easily. How I used to send my thoughts flying through a pen or a keyboard, projecting every last part of me onto pages and pages of artwork. A blank space was just a new medium to express myself, waiting for me to fill it with words and thoughts that were purely my own.

Now, I dread expressing my thoughts through that medium. This is me, an artist, afraid to perform and display my art. It’s more than writer’s block.

It’s fear.

I’m afraid of admitting some things to myself out loud (or rather, on paper) that I know are true. I’m afraid that I’ll regret typing up something that I wish I would’ve left alone, something that I wish I would've kept to myself for much longer, if not forever.
But, I can’t wait any longer to feel alive again.

So here's the truth about me that I'm so hesitant to share:

I love with so much of me that it’s draining. I feel with every fiber of my being. Thus, I'm afraid to love and feel because of the way that I dive in. Suddenly, I am fully engulfed in the waves before I've even had time to stop and think about whether or not I can even swim. I am an adrenaline junkie, yet a fearful player in this risky game.
I’m afraid of letting go of the inner thoughts and feelings that I know could be beautiful if given the chance. I’m afraid to ask questions that I know may be answered. But I cannot fear for much longer.

This collection of my thoughts wasn’t brought about by my school or my parents. Not by the green-eyed boy with the dazzling smile or by my best friends who challenge and encourage me to embrace myself and my art in every way possible. This is brought about by my simple desire to thrive in that place where I once felt like I was only surviving. I want to travel back in time to where I existed as myself and only myself, to when I truly didn't care about the thoughts and opinions of people with small minds or opinions of me that weren't positive or accurate to who I am as a person. I want to let go of my anxieties, to travel daily into my own world of thoughts and words where everyone that I meet is a character in the story of my life.I want to be a writer again, a creator, a dreamer. I want to refuse to fear the response that the outside world has to my passion.

I fully intend to do just that.