Hey you.
There are so many emotions I feel, some with no reason at all, and some that I can't even put into words. Sadness, anger, confusion, loss. They're all words I'll use to describe what I'm feeling, yet none of them feel deep enough to truly describe what I'm feeling, and what I will be feeling for years to come. The depth of these emotions is impossible to explain with words. Irrationally, I'm even kind of angry at you. I'm angry because you've left me here without you, and I can't even curse your name because it hurts too much to say. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you or that I don't wish that I could call you and tell you about something that happened in my day. Mostly, I just feel a hole somewhere inside the middle of my heart where your smile used to be.
But I don't wanna waste time being angry and sad. I just want to tell you one more time just how much you mean to me, even though no words could describe it. And I just want to tell you one last time just how much I love you, even though no amount of times said could come close to the true amount. Most of all, I just want to smile with you again, like we used to. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be laughing or singing or even just being with you just one more time. No amount of time would ever be enough, but I would give up everything for a half of a second more with you. You lived life more fully and loved more deeply than anyone I have ever known. I am forever grateful for the way that you taught me to live, and I will spend the rest of my days trying to live life as you did, by giving everyone and everything your all.
Like any situation in life, there are two sides to the coin, but somehow, neither feels like a win. On one hand, there are a million things that trigger a great memory. Playing a game, singing our favorite song, or even just talking on the couch. All of them make me stop and smile. Then reality hits me like a truck and I realize that it's just that. A memory. On the other hand, some things are enough to make me stop and relive the moment that I found out you were gone. It's something I wouldn't wish even on the worst of enemies. The date is etched in my memory as a horrible reminder of the worst day of my life. Nothing will ever be able to erase those feelings. However, every day, I catch a glimpse of something that makes me remember the impact you left on this world, and I am proud to have known such an incredible person.
As I sit here, trying to live up to the person you would want me to be, I know that you're looking down on me. I know that the last thing you would want is for anyone to be crying over you. Instead, you would want me to be singing, and fearlessly taking risks, and living life as fully as I possibly could. So, for you, I will.
Until we meet again.
