To my ex:

I wanted to take the time to formally thank you. Six years after meeting you, I've finally come to the realization that you weren't a mistake, but a big lesson learned. Being with you taught me so many things, and I've chosen to talk publicly about a few.

Firstly, thank you for showing me what I deserve. Or rather, what I don't deserve. I don't deserve someone who won't let me be myself. Who made me feel like my dreams were insignificant. Who made me feel like impressing you and making you happy were all that I had to live for.

I don't deserve someone who wouldn't put the effort into getting where they want to be in life like I do. All the dreams you had could've come true if you'd hunkered down, got a job, went to college and worked for it - a concept you aren't familiar with.

Secondly, thank you for showing me that emotional abuse is a real thing, and that I deserve so much more than that. Constantly making excuses as to why I was with someone who wouldn't get a job as I have had since I was 16, who wouldn't go to college and who wouldn't be independent at 21 years old. I've learned that doing that is not OK. I learned that cutting off my friends for weeks while I was with you is not OK. I learned that allowing my significant other to control who I was friends with and who I was allowed to talk to is not OK.

I learned that never cutting my hair and dying it how I wanted just to express myself all because you didn't think it would look good is not OK. I learned that feeling stressed every single day to make you happy and walking on pins and needles so as to not piss you off is not OK. I learned that constantly eating to wallow away all the stress and not working on my self-image and not working out to lose weight like I wanted all because you thought I looked fine and shouldn't lose weight was not OK. I learned that being with you was not OK.

Thirdly, thank you for the fear of dating. This one is more of a sarcastic thank you. In the back of my mind as soon as I get interested in someone, I always think that the exact same thing is going to happen; that the toxicity I felt off and on for five years is going to come right back and I'll never be happy.

Most importantly, I really, truly, want to thank you. Despite all of these things, I've come a long way in the last nine months. Losing forty pounds, becoming more self-confident, allowing myself to open up to others and realizing my dreams and the fact that I can achieve those dreams are all fantastic. About a month ago, I looked into the mirror for the first time in my life looking really at myself as I am and thought, Damn, I'm so proud of myself. I look good! I didn't cry at the sight of my natural self for once.

Thank you for showing me what a real relationship isn't supposed to be, and that any relationship involving you is not that.

So, while you're moochin' on your new girlfriend that you said you'd never find when we broke up? Yeah, I'm still here and I'm happy. I am surrounded by sisters and family and friends that make me feel loved and accepted. Yeah, I'm still single, haven't dated anyone since you, and I am, quite honestly, a little scared to. You get so comfortable with someone and learn their quirks and what makes them tick, and now I've got to do it all over again.

I'm willing to do that, but since you spent five years running me into the ground, I've got to get myself to the point where it's hard to feel like someone actually wants to get to know me and let me make them as happy as I possibly can. I'm back to having crushes on guys that I know I have absolutely no chance on, and that's OK because one day, I'll have my Noah, and he will care for me and push me to my dreams, loving me flaws and all.

Oh, by the way, I cut my hair off. Six inches of it, and dyed it just how you hated the day after we broke up and I haven't looked back.

Always,

Alyxis