Dear Little Brother,
What does being a man mean to you?
I’m afraid of the ideas you’re forming. Isolated from daily interactions with women at an all-boys Catholic high school, the expectations are concentrated and your behavior is constantly assessed and policed. We’ve talked a lot about it, and sexual prowess comes up often – using women as stepping stones to self-worth. Wealth and athleticism are revered traits. Apathy is a theme – it is decidedly unmanly to give a shit about anyone or anything but yourself. Unless you are being bullied. Then, at the behest of your peers, you should shed even that care.
I’ve seen you suffer from toxic masculinity via bullying and harassment because you fail to fit the mold with your cultural Judaism, your emotionality, and your lack of abandon. If I could immediately communicate anything to you it would be: you do not have to step up to the challenge. You do not have to win the contest of manhood or prove your worth. You do not have to be the man they want you to be.
Like the blows you’ve been giving the new punching bag Mom and Dad bought you, throw your angry weight into discovering the human being you hope to become. Dare to give a shit, dare to be passionate about life.
It is so hard, especially in adolescence, to resist a sort of synesthesia with your peers – diving into people and blurring the lines between your identity and theirs, measuring your success and self-worth by common ideals and standards. If you start regarding yourself, you will see that you have definitions of right and wrong, good and bad, that are continuously evolving. You can answer questions of morality by listening to others and conscious perspective-taking, and by reflecting on trials and errors. I promise that you have the power to discover your principles.
Now, more than ever, is a time to start defining your own ideals rather than absorbing those of others. As I write this, Donald Trump is being sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. He is displaying the extreme of an American concept – that being self-aggrandizing, morally unqualified, apathetic to the humanity in others, and a virulent, unapologetic sexual abuser does not have to halt the careers of wealthy men.
It is clear that our household rejects him as an individual, but it is easy to turn away from a man who is accused of collaborating with Russian intelligence, manipulating and lying to the faces his supporters, and callously attacking his opponents on Twitter, at news conferences, and during speeches. Right now, I want to highlight something that may seem less insidious, or irrelevant to you. That is HIS definition of manhood. This may surprise you, but it is very much an extension of the messages you internalize at school, and one that men around you may feel increasingly empowered to normalize.
So I ask you again, what does being a man mean to you?
Are you going to be the man that dances me against a wall during a party as I look for an out? Are you going to call me a waste of time when I finally make it obvious I am not interested?
Are you going to be the man on Facebook that blames “femi-nazis” for perpetuating sexism? Anti-racist activists for perpetuating racism?
Are you going to be the man who refuses to undertake a different perspective because it may contest your sense of self, your privilege as a white man, or require you to be vulnerable?
Listen. There is no secret key to being a “real man”. You are a human being. I see you, you have worth, and I love you. What I ask is that you extend this sentiment to others, and with that love, start becoming aware of how toxic masculinity robs both you and those you interact with of their humanity. The wild, swinging club of Trump’s rhetoric about marginalized peoples is the same as the apathy you experience when boys at your school turn on you and mock you for social points. They are chasing success in their masculinity at any price, and you are no longer a person, but a tool for their gain.
I am hoping you can divest from performing the pre-determined steps of rigid gender roles, and spend that time and effort on accepting yourself and giving others the same space. But until then, and then until forever, I extend that to you.
“In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.” – Bell Hooks, "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love"
