I made a goal to get better, and so far, so great.

I know "get better" sounds like a pretty broad goal, so I'll explain. I don't know entirely what getting better means, or what it looks like. I just know that it's not where I was three months ago.

This goal is open. Open enough to achieve it. Now, if I said something like, I wanna stop self harming, then I could, but I could still be depressed. And if I said I wanna stop being depressed, I could be happy, but really anxious. And if I said I didn't wanna be as anxious, I could find peace, and still be insecure. And if I said I wanted to overcome my insecurities...well you get the point.

So, I simply picked better. Better in every aspect. I guess for you to fully understand this, I should tell you a little bit about me. So I'll go pretty far back. Well, not that far because I'm only 19, and let's face it, I haven't been alive that long. But about one year ago, I was hospitalized for the first time in a psychiatric unit.

Now, before you freak out and think you heard me wrong, yes, I did say psychiatric unit. And that may have been the first time, but it sure wasn't the last. There would be two more times after that. But I'll tell you about the third and final time. And by final, well that's where that goal comes in. I made it my goal to NEVER EVER be admitted in a psychiatric unit of any kind again.

But back to the story. So, mental illness has played a pretty large role in my life the past couple of years, but this time was different. This time was one of the most important moments of my life. In February, at the start of 2017, I attempted to take my own life. I took about 20 of these steroid things I need for my stomach, and then I panicked. I'll spare you the gory details, just kidding, there were no gory details. But, to make a long story short, I went to the ER.

I was "fine" and I went to a psych hospital somewhere in Pennsylvania. And by fine, I mean as fine as someone who has attempted to take their own life can be. You may have noticed I have avoided the word suicide. That's because there is such a stigma on suicide and that's not the point of my writing.

The point is the goal. I want to get better. So, after staying in the hospital for a little, I got diagnosed. Now, this is extremely important. I know that they say labels don't matter and we shouldn't put each other in boxes, but my labels helped. They put me on the track to get better. Now I know what's wrong and I can figure out how to, for lack of a better word, fix it.

So, you may be wondering. "What's even wrong with her anyways?" Well nothing's wrong. That would imply that I'm not okay, but it's actually the contrary. After leaving the hospital that third time, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety and bipolar 2, and I am now more than okay. Now, what made this so helpful isn't that I just knew what was wrong, but that I now had the resources to make me feel better.

I was put on a multitude of medicines, that if I take regularly, help me so much. Granted, I look like a grandma. The weekly pill tracker, four in the morning, one at night, and two during the day. It's a whole array of affairs. But with all that aside, they help. So the medicine, so far so great.

I'll be honest with you. Everything isn't perfect. It's not always sunshine and rainbows. Unicorns and flowers. Meadows and spa days. I still get depressed. I still wake up some mornings and feel shackled to the bed by my tears and failures. I still get anxious every time I have to make a decision or think about my future. And I still want to hurt myself whenever I feel sad or like I'm not good enough.

But things are somehow different now. Good different. Different because now, I WANT to get better. No, no. Correction. I NEED to get better now when I'm sad and chained to my bed and sorrows cloud my head and my anxiety is the best friend that I know all too well and self harm feels like the only way to deal with my situation, I push through. I remember the goal. The goal to get better. I make myself get up, dress up, and show up.

I hold back the tears that swell up inside of me. I make sure that there are no razors around. I know that this may not be the ideal situation. But cmon. No one is happy all of the time. I am only human. But there is one thing for sure about this human, I am better. So my advice to you, set a goal. One that you can reach. One that will make you better when you come out on the other end of it. And as for me, well I'm, getting better. And I know that you can too!