As a senior in college, I feel like Life has suddenly slammed on the gas pedal and accelerated to lightning-fast speeds. With Life in the drivers seat and myself desperately clinging to the passenger seat, I keep trying to pull the E break, but it just won’t work. I wish more than anything that some heroic police officer could pull Life over right now and give it an extremely expensive speeding ticket, and perhaps even throw Life behind bars for a few night for putting its innocent, vulnerable passenger (ME!!!) in so much terrifying danger (AKA: making my stress levels skyrocket to astronomically harmful levels).
I feel overwhelmed, stressed, and worst of all: not in control. I am 21 now, and I have definitely developed into a strong, unique, independent woman, a lot like one of my favorite fictional characters, Rory Gilmore. I am exceptionally organized and take school very seriously; I am extremely passionate about what I want to do for my future career; and I am completely prepared to put my Everything into accomplishing my goals and following my dreams. But no matter how much planning I do right now, so much is unknown, and it is driving me insane.
Where will I get into graduate school? How much financial aid and scholarships will these schools give me? What if I do get into my dream school but I cannot afford it? And then when I finally do finish all of my schooling after a year of grad school to get my MSW, where will I work? Will I be ready? Will I be happy?
I am trying to function with countless unanswered questions running through my mind, but this is just not the type of person I am. When I have a problem, I need to solve it right away so that my anxious heart can return to its restive state. But there is no way to know the answer to any of these questions until at least another five months when I hope to hear back from grad schools. 5+ months of trying to go about my day-to-day life in complete blindness to what lies ahead??? This is literally my worst nightmare.
I am trying to cope, but I am struggling. I guess this blog post isn’t really helpful if you are also going through this problem and looking for an answer. I honestly have no solution for you; I wish I did… But I do think there is something to be said for finding solidarity with others who are going through the same thing. Nothing eases my anxious heart more than when I go to my classes and hear my classmates and friends venting about the same worries and concerns. At least I am not alone...
I hope you found some solace here. I hope that one day we can look back on this stressful time and realize why Life put us through such a difficult trial. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned, life skills to be developed. For now though, I will sit and wait, acknowledging that this stressor is going to bother me for a long time... But if there is one thing I have learned from my courageous loved ones who have battled addictions, it is that I need to take things “one day at a time.” So for today, I will ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
