"There was a time in my life when I couldn’t tell the difference between a mirror and a window. I could stand in front of either and see everything, but myself."

-Rudy Francisco

Dear 14-year-old me,

I really hate to be the one to shatter your image of your "adult" self, but I am not even half of the things you thought you'd be by now. Right now you're probably sitting at home googling colleges in Manhattan, thinking about what designer you want to work for, and planning so carefully the next years of your life after high school. You think you have these great friends and this wonderful all girls school and absolutely nothing could be better. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but, those girls are going to bully you, hard. They're going to rip you apart until you literally do not think being on earth has any appeal anymore.

You're going to leave that school. I know you wanted to have this amazing sisterhood through that place, but I promise you that you will get that feeling soon, just wait. You're going to transfer to another catholic school, and making friends isn't as easy as you remember it. You're going to find yourself doing your math homework and eating lunch by yourself in a bathroom stall because there wasn't "any room" at the empty lunch table. It's going to take a while for everyone to see the you that your friends growing up did. The class clown that just wanted to be appreciated. However you will find good temporary friends. You'll think these ones are forever too, and to be fair they will be for a few years. They aren't the friends you asked for but the ones you needed in that time in your life. I'm sorry to tell you that you don't talk to your two guy best friends anymore either, you guys all just kind of gave up on each other. This still hurts you.

Senior year, Poppop dies. You're playing a birthday scavenger hunt with your friends when your mom calls you and tells you its going to be the end. You're a little drunk off whatever cheap liquor your friends stole from their parents and you yell a dry scream, the kind no one else can hear. You're not going to be prepared as you thought you would be for this. I am still not prepared. This will hurt you every single day forward. I'm sorry I couldn't cope better for you. I'm not as strong as you think I should be by now.

You didn't end up in New York for college. You chose a southern school by the beach 9 hours away from all the comforts and stresses of home. You're going to meet your best friends on the very first night there. These boys and girl will be the people you will create every single one of your favorite memories with. I cannot begin to express to you how happy these people are going to make you. These are your forever friends. The ones that will be at your wedding and the ones your kids will call aunts and uncles. You're going to join a sorority and you're going to be so scared of feeling what you felt freshman year of high school. But this time there is no bullying, just acceptance. You are so loved here. I want you to know that.

You're not going to find the romantic love you thought you would have by now. You are going to mess up, hard. You're going to drink a lot more than you ever thought you would and you're going to smoke too much sometimes and do the things you always thought you were better than. You're gonna have a problem with it for a while and I'm really sorry about that. You've become quite the easily manipulated person over the years. You do so much for people, and I hate to tell you that you're still consistently getting taken advantage of.

You're going to find yourself searching for love in every temporary boy. You're going to compromise yourself and your happiness so much for someone that you're going to meet when you're 15, but you won't truly know until you both get to the same college. You're going to waste so much time on him and I really hate to tell you that you're still investing your time in him today. You will learn through multiple different boys that you are not very good at being the first choice. In fact, you've never been chosen first. I know you thought you would have this amazing college boyfriend by now but I'm here to tell you that college alters the minds of every single boy. It convinces them that nothing is worth "settling for" and that there is always something better or someone hotter. And while that may be true, it is a painful vicious cycle you will find in every single boy you try to give your time or even your heart to. You are going to get hurt an unbearable amount. I wish I could lie to you about that, but you really get screwed over about once a week. You're going to ask a boy simply if he wants to get to know you and they aren't even interested in that. No one is going to ask you about your day or what you think about aliens. There is no mysterious lover that you're going to sit in the back of a pickup with and talk about the universe the way the movies always told you that you would. You'll have your friends for this but it won't be the same.

But I want you to know that even though I just told you all these discouraging things, know that your life is pretty amazing. You may not be working for the fashion magazine in the city you thought you would by now, but you're writing, and you're an editor in chief and I think that is something you would really be proud of. You don't have the guy friends you had in high school but the ones you've made in college are the best human beings you will ever meet and make your life better just by being around you. You don't have the "best friend" you had in high school but another home friend has become your best one, your confidant, and your forever friend. You haven't found love but you've learned to stop wasting your time pining for it and waiting up for the text messages from boys that don't want anything but physical attention. Your parents and your brother are healthy and happy and for what it's worth, so are you. It is going to be okay and it is going to get better. I know how scared you're going to be when you switch high schools and how lonely you're going to be, and I hate to spoil the ending for you but it really is all going to work out in your favor. I'm sorry I'm not everything you thought you should be by now, but I am getting there.

Sincerely,

20 year old You