If you're lucky like me, you got to celebrate one of the most important people in your life last Sunday: your mother. While this is not always true, moms are usually the greatest people on earth. At least mine is. The mother I grew up with is funny, caring, engaging, patient, and just about the sweetest person I've met. Ever since I was little I remember wanting to spend time with my mom as much as possible. We would watch "Gilmore Girls," drink tea and talk about everything. She is my best friend and will always be. I am so grateful to have someone who will always tell me the truth when I ask her opinion, who will always answer the phone when I need to complain and will love me no matter what. This Mother's Day my sister and I treated her to lunch. All that being said, there is another mother to think about as well: the one I've never met before.
I was adopted from India at four months old. All I know is that I was given up the day I was born and she was educated enough to sign her own name. Everything else is just a guess. It's hard to say whether I am dying to know the whole story because I am an inquisitive person or if I ask so many questions all the time because I have so few answers. Either way, there is a huge part of my life that goes unknown every day and no matter how many loving and wonderful people are around me, it's still pretty lonely. Mother's Day, in particular, is when I am especially aware of it. I know there are two people out there I am connected to in a very powerful way whose names I don't even know. There are two people out there who once sacrificed everything to give me a second chance. More than anything, there are two people out there who I will probably never get to thank for having the courage to give me a chance at a better life. I'll never get to tell them how angry I am at, confused by, and thankful for their decision. I was given some of the most amazing family members and friends in exchange for a missing piece of identity. I have had to recover that missing piece by telling myself it doesn't matter. Being adopted doesn't change anything. At almost 19 years old, I am just now moving out of the denial phase.
What many people do not realize is that feeling lost and loving your adoptive family are not mutually exclusive. It is not disloyal or unloving to wonder and care about the family you have never known but who are nonetheless family. There is countless research on the long-term effects of adoption, and I am so grateful that every year more adoptees become visible. However, no matter how many statistics are published, all of our stories are different. I would never claim to speak for any other adoptee. If you ask 400 of us why we do or do not want to meet our birth family, you will get 400 different answers. Being adopted certainly has it challenges but if you know anyone who shares a similar experience as I do, do not be afraid to ask. They will most likely be grateful you acknowledged that part of their identity in the first place.
