Most of my life, I never really wondered about where I came from. Yeah, I knew my adoptive parents brought me home from an orphanage, but I never wondered about the one who left me there. I never wondered what her name was, what she looked like, where she lives now, etc. Growing up, I constantly had questions about my life and what I was going to do with it one day. Was I going to go back to Russia? Did I want to find my birthmother when I go? How would I feel if I met her? All these questions, and more, were thrown at me for as long as I can remember.

My parents brought me home a year after I was born, and its been 20 years. As my 21st birthday approached, I seemed to have more and more instances where I thought of my birthmother. It seemed weird at first. Yeah, I thought of her from time to time over the course of my whole life, but thoughts of her came to mind more often now and I wasn't sure why that was — or what I was going to do about it. After so many instances in such a short amount of time, I got the courage to do something about it. I sat at the kitchen table a few weeks later with my adoptive mother and stared at the papers in front of me. I read the information carefully, trying not to miss anything. I'm not sure what I expected, but the feeling was strange. I saw the name of the woman I so often think of. Everything was immediately imprinted in my brain. I brought the files home with me and sat them in a safe place until one day I would use them.

My whole life I have felt that I had this gap in my heart. An extra little space for part of my life that I didn't really have answers to, or someone to always hold in that space. I quickly realized that certain areas of my life where I felt defeated, or not whole, was because of this part of my life I knew nothing about. It's as though you're walking around surrounded by those who love you and whom you love back, but always feeling that you're missing something or someone that should also be there. You could be the happiest girl in the world surrounded by those who make your soul happy, but at the end of the day, you find yourself wishing that the very part of your soul that feels empty had something to have there in these moments.

So I search. I reread all the information given to me and hope to find the one who gave me that empty space. I talk to numerous people, at numerous businesses, in numerous parts of the country, only to find myself feeling discouraged by the words on the other end. Some clearly didn't understand what I was asking for, and those who did -- had no way of helping me. So I follow the leads. Every lead I have, I take it. I ask who they think could help me if they can't, and I call that person. I come to find an address and business hours for an agency, to which I call and get numbers that "aren't in use anymore". At that point, I broke down. Why would I be given all this information if I had no way of using it to find her?

My emotions had gotten the best of me. I felt more vulnerable, or even fragile in a way. I have opened up these doors that lead to answers about who I am as a person and I search for someone I know will make my heart full. But is she there? Is she out there somewhere thinking the same things as I? Has she thought of me over the years as I have, or even ventured out to find information as to where I am and what I look like? Does she even want me to find her? I know of her -- but I want to know her. I want to know what she looks like. If that's all I am ever able to know, then at least I can put a face to the name. But truly, I want to one day stand in front of her. I want to look her in her grey colored eyes. Those eyes that gave me the ones that are mine. I want to look at her facial features, the way her hair falls down, the way she does certain things. I find myself wanting to know her because in a way, knowing her will help me know myself.

So I continue to search. Trying my best not to feel defeated or discouraged. I will keep calling and keep following every lead that I can until it is the end of the road. In a year, or even 50, I hope I can look back and say I did it. Even if I don't ever see her standing in front of me, I hope I can look back on my life and know that I tried everything there was to try and find her. She will always be a part of who I am, and she has given me the greatest life she could have provided by giving me up. I want to look her in the eyes and thank her for the family I was able to have, the joys I have felt, and the priceless moments that have made life truly great. I keep the faith that one day things will all work out and she could be a part of my family, and my heart will finally be whole. She has given me the best life she could have and I have been blessed with the most amazing family. I just want her to know that even though I don't really know her, I feel her as a part of me, and she has truly given me the best life. I am beyond thankful and blessed for the family I have been given and they make my heart so happy. If one day my birthmother can be here alongside us, then my heart will be so full, and if not, at least I know I tried my best and can move forward with my family by my side.