We’ve all been in one of those heated arguments in which you can’t think of the right thing to say to win and to make the other person see your side until after you have walked away. Whether it’s a serious debate or friendly banter, it’s so frustrating when you think of the perfect thing to say after the fact.
When you’re in the heat of an argument, you can never think of the right thing to say because you’re in the moment, and you are not thinking straight. Adrenaline is pounding through your, body, your pulse is racing, and you are excited and passionate and maybe even a bit angry. To effectively argue, you need to be able to stay calm. While emotional appeals can be effective in some cases, you also have to take a deep breath and be logical at some point. If you just start crying while arguing with your friend over where to go to dinner, they will just think you are being overly emotional and irrational, and they won’t take you seriously. If you really want to make a better argument, you need to stay calm and think about what you are saying. Make your words have a purpose.
Sometimes your emotions overcome you in a different way when you are arguing with someone you love. As a friend of mine said, sometimes you look someone in the eye, and you just can’t bring yourself to say anything to hurt them, even if what you have to say is true or correct. It is hard to be blunt and honest with someone that you love because your instinct is to protect them. And sometimes this is for the best; is it really more important to win the argument or to keep a friend? Not everything in life is about winning. Sometimes you have to concede to the greater good.
Sometimes that comeback comes later because you never really would have said it. We often walk away from arguments fantasizing about what we would have said and dramatizing the situation. Would you really have told your mom that you went out to dinner with friends without telling her because you hate her meatloaf? Maybe someone else would have said that, but not you, and you can’t regret the person that you are and the way in which you approach a situation.
For me, the biggest reason I always think of what to say after the fact is that I am so caught up in what I want to say, that I forget to listen to what the other person has to say. As the cliché goes, there are two sides to every argument. To give an effective argument, you need to realize what you are arguing against. Listening is such an important part of all communication, and it is the part we neglect the most. We all have different perspectives on the world, and those perspectives shape the way we think and our opinions. It is important when trying to get someone to see something from your perspective that you first understand what their perspective is. How can you even know that your side is right if you don’t even know what the other side is? If you are trying to convince your best friend that the Patriots are the best NFL team, you won’t be as effective if you are arguing against the Cowboys to a Seahawks fan. How can you argue effectively if you don’t even know what you are arguing about? The first step to coming up with the perfect argument in the moment instead of later is listening to what the other person has to say. Once you understand their perspective, you will be better able to respond and maybe to come to a compromise or at least to respect where they are coming from.
