This Is All I Have To Give Today And It's Enough

This Is All I Have To Give Today And It's Enough

Self compassion is so necessary on the hard days.

jenlapin
jenlapin
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A message to myself for the hard days:

Hey there, beautiful soul, I see you. I notice that you're not okay even though you keep dragging on and faintly smiling. That generosity that you give in the form of a smile to others doesn't travel all the way up to your desperate eyes. I see that and I stop to lend a heart, ear, hand for you. There are no words to express the sticky, overbearing sadness that you feel today. And that's okay because tears are more extravagant today. They mean more to your soul today.

I ask myself why and try to pinpoint from which direction the pain is coming. My mind swirls with all the ways I've been hurt in the past to see if one of them matches the emotions I'm feeling today. To see if I can heal that memory today. But the more I swirl, the more I judge myself for not being able to pull myself out. Why aren't I strong enough to do this on my own?

My headstrong armor is used throughout the day. I don't stop doing. Stopping is scary because the feelings catch up quickly. And I don't want to be engulfed in something I don't have the map to get out of. I don't rest. I don't stop. I don't let a few things tumble off my to-do list. I juggle it all during the darkest rainstorm that only I can witness.

There's always this nagging that I'm doing something wrong in life. That everything I do just can't possibly be good enough. Even when depressed, I still force myself to go to classes and talk to people and clean my room and go to office hours. Why am I good at depression, suffering? Why can't I let a few things slide off my shoulders? Oh right, because I'll judge myself for not being able to handle every little thing life throws at me. Geez, self-compassion is not over-rated.

Here's what you need to tell yourself today: "I accept the condition I am in right now. I accept that I can barely move or take notes. I am doing my best today. This 10% is all I have to give today and it's enough."

Just saying these things lets my body unconsciously let in deep breaths of air. And I let out a good sigh. And I tell myself that maybe I will be OK.

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10 Bible Verses for Self Esteem

Sometimes you need to search for inner strength and find your own self worth.
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We all get those days that we just don't feel good enough for anything. Everything is going wrong. For me, I go to the bible to read the words of God. His personal dialog for us is filled with encouragement, hope, and lessons we can learn from. Here are my top ten verses that are uplifting and impacting when at the lowest of lows:

1. Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things in Him who strengthens me.

2. Psalm 46:5

God is within her, she will not fall.

3. Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

4. Psalm 28:76

The Lord is my strength and my shield.

5. 1 Corinthians 25:10

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

6. Romans 5:8

I loved you at your darkest.

7. Psalm 62:5-6

Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on Him. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and he is the fortress where I feel secure.

8. 2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.

9. 1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

10. 2 Chronicles 20:15

The battle is not ours, but God's.

Cover Image Credit: chinadaily

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I Never Thought I'd Have To Attend A Classmate's Funeral Two Weeks Before He Was Supposed To Graduate

Teen suicide is a taboo topic where I'm from, even if we have lost two members of the community to it in the past two years.

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One of the hardest experiences of my life happened just this week, at the funeral of a boy I barely even knew. I had gone to school with him since kindergarten but hadn't had a class with him since fifth grade, and I don't think we had talked since then. All I had ever thought of doing with my classmates two weeks before graduation was complaining about finals and maybe going to a few graduation parties.

Instead, we all left school midday to head to the largest Baptist church in town. I sat in the middle of a row of pews, surrounded by two hundred or more people that I had either gone to school with my whole life or had gone to school with at some point in the past thirteen years.

There was not a single one of them that did not have tears in their eyes. We listened to the pastor share memories of our classmate that had been shared online, and some of us even got up to share our own and to thank his parents for raising such a kind and caring, young man.

He was the type of guy to invite you to go out to eat, even if he knew you had to work, just because he didn't want you to feel forgotten about. Every single person who spoke said, "There wasn't a single thing I didn't like about this kid." They spoke those words in full truth.

The senior class was named in the obituary as honorary pallbearers. We followed the eight football players and the rest of the football team and our classmate's closest friends to a hearse waiting outside. I watched as the hearse pulled away, and I believe that is when it truly hit everyone.

He was gone, and he wasn't coming back. As the hearse pulled away, all I could see on the other side were tears streaming down the faces of some of the toughest guys I know.

We called the football team the Thunder House. The phrase "Thunder House" went from something normally said with a smile or a chuckle to something said with a melancholy tone. No one cheered when it was said anymore, they only gave sad nods and tight, depressing smiles.

Teen suicide is a taboo topic where I'm from, even if we have lost two members of the community to it in the past two years. In 2017, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published an article stating that Americans in rural areas are more likely to die by suicide, also stating that suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States.

The week before we lost our classmate, there was a walk at the school on a Saturday to raise awareness for teen suicide and depression. I only heard one teacher say anything about it beforehand. There were no signs around the school. There was no mention of it on the morning announcements. There was not a post on the school's website inviting members of the community to join us.

I truly believe that more could have been done that could have possibly prevented the heartache that has impacted a school, a family, and a community. Reach out to those you feel may be in need, and even those that you do not feel may be in need because you never know what someone is going through.

Articles on suicide prevention or recount stories of suicide or suicidal thoughts should end with the following message, written in regular weight font, styled in italics:

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


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