My entire life, I've been alive. I know what you're thinking: oh really, Sherlock? Wouldn't have thought that. However, I say that phrase with a purpose. Although I've been alive, I can't really say I've been living. My lungs have been breathing, but only the nitrogen oxygen mixture in the air; never did my lungs inhale the exhilaration of a spur of the moment road trip up north, or staying out until 3 a.m. singing Britney Spears karaoke and laughing my worries away. My heart beat, but I didn't have moments when it raced with utter anticipation as I biked down a hill with no hands on the bars.
Like many, my mind has mingled with a monster named depression, and its henchman, worthlessness. I had a good life, despite my challenges with mental illness and the physical effects following them. Early on, life was normal. My parents were happily married, and I was blessed with two wonderful sisters who always had my back. I was loved, cared for, and supported, I was just another kid, but that was the issue: I was just another kid.
I had minor differences from every student in my class, ones that I grew worrisome and insecure about, however, the differences weren't enough to make me unique. I didn't have a challenging background to overcome, or a disability I had to prove to be my motivator. I was intelligent, I was funny, I was kind, but I was never the smartest, the funniest, or nicest. I didn't have the things that made me stand out (apart from my hair), and I just felt like I was just another human being. I felt like I was just another meaningless life form taking up space and sucking in oxygen among the other 7 billion humans here on Earth.
The feelings manifested into questions. Why was I here? What do I have to offer? Would anyone notice if I went away? I never truly wanted to die, looking back at the late nights I spent crying, but I didn't want to be alive. I spent hours and years of my life asking myself over and over again what the point of my life was. I wanted to have the meaning of my life clearly laid out in front of me, that I became what I feared the most: just another meaningless life form. I now realize that life doesn't give me meaning, I give it meaning. I give it purpose.
There's no point in living if I'm just alive. There will be moments where I have no other choice to merely exist, simply because depression is not something that disappears and never returns, but I will let my existence help me appreciate the world. Some days will be filled with inhaling and exhaling, as I walk and blink with each moment passing by. Some times, these days will turn into months, and I will need help to get out of the suffocating black hole, but ultimately it's my choice to live, not just be alive.
Now, I am choosing to live. I am alive, however, I want to live. I want to have moments that take my breath away from beauty and excitement, rather than have my breath go with each beautiful chance I miss. I don't want to go through life glancing and peering at every moment I have, I want to go through life soaking the good and the bad in, because I know they are shaping me into the leader I am today. I can't let every moment of agony suppress my full potential to live my life.
I encourage every reader to choose to live their life, rather than be alive. I encourage you to giggle until your belly aches, instead of a chuckle for the fear of others mocking your laugh. Eat the extra piece of chocolate cake, spend the $10 to watch the movies in theaters. You don't have to live every moment as if it's your last, but don't live every moment by just being alive. Be the person you idolize. Be the person who lived a life they're proud of -- sometimes that person is someone who had to exist for some time to discover their meaning; sometimes that person is one who never looked back and lived each moment as their last; and sometimes, it's the person who raised a family and died with love in their heart.
Existing is hard, but living, the toughest part, is truly the point of life.
---
To be alive is to have a family, to live is to smile and have love overcome you when those you care about cross your mind.
To be alive is to have a pulse, to live is to have a racing heart.
To be alive is to live with hesitation, to live is to reflect with no regret.
To be alive is to breathe, to be living is forgetting to exhale with each adventure you take.
