Romanticizing. That's the first word that comes to mind while thinking about mental health + the media. Just like that, mental health went from being a social pariah subject to the title of every aesthetic moodboard. Somewhere between generations, we all got lost. We didn't focus on mental health as a way to help it, but rather to exploit it. The damage done within that is those who truly suffer from mental illness aren't believed or understood as much as they should be. Trust me, I'd know.

Recently, I discovered that an Instagram 'model' I follow released a song titled 'Agoraphobia' and let's just say that after analyzing the lyrics, this song is so far beyond inappropriate to be titled after a condition that millions suffer from. It's filled with stereotypes and cliches about agoraphobia so badly that it can only reverse the already damaged image that uneducated people have about the condition of agoraphobia.

So, let's talk about what agoraphobia really is.

When my autoimmune condition relapsed, it served me up a fresh platter of not just physical symptoms, but psychiatric ones as well. One of those symptoms was its own condition, agoraphobia. The Mayo Clinic defines this condition as "a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd."

Most people who suffer from agoraphobia have a severe enough case that they become a shut-in. Remember Sheila from Shameless? Yeah, she had agoraphobia. Obviously, for entertainment reasons, her condition was a little bit blown out of proportion, but it's pretty accurate. Those who suffer from agoraphobia won't leave their house or even consider going outside. Life begins to revolve around staying locked down in your safe space, doing anything you can to prevent a massive panic attack that always feels as if it's about to crash over you. Trips to the mall become ordering everything online. Coffee dates with friends become short texts and a very rare Face-Time. Your 9-5 job becomes anything you can do as a freelance job online; especially ones where contact with other people is limited.

What people don't understand is that agoraphobia isn't just the fear of leaving the house. It's not just shutting the blinds, it's shutting everyone out as a way to survive your own mind.

Agoraphobia is lonely.

You begin to lose friends but hell, you can't blame them because you really aren't holding up your end of the deal and that's okay. They won't all stick around. You begin to understand television characters more than you understand your own friends or family. They become the ones who keep you company. Your car sits in your driveway, untouched and unmoving. The keys stay in their designated place on the table and they begin to collect dust. Sometimes, your mail piles up. So do all of those lists of errands you were supposed to run or events you were supposed to attend.

Agoraphobia is full of excuses that you wish you didn't have to make.

In the beginning, they don't really get it. "Sorry, I won't be able to make it," or "I'm just gonna stay home because I don't feel well." and sometimes even an untruthful "I wish I could but I'm super busy." God, it gets so much worse after that. You run out of reasons and excuses so quickly, but each one takes a little piece away from your soul. The lies, they feel so dirty. You can't help but wonder what your loved ones are thinking of you. Skipping the family Christmas reunion? Wow, she must be so self-centered if she's got better things to do. Jesus, can't answer a call once in a while? I guess I'm not important to her. Canceling our plans again? Just not worth her time.

Those voices grow so loud, but that's the anxiety talking. Or, at least some of the anxiety. The other anxiety is so terrified of the next time you'll be forced to leave your safe place.

Agoraphobia is fear.

Sometimes, the fear is so strong that even going to the bathroom can cause an anxiety attack. What happens if I'm in the shower and I panic? What happens if I'm in my living room and panic and can't get up the stairs fast enough to get back in bed? What if I'm cooking myself dinner and I freak out and have to leave it on the stove to burn? Then to think about getting in the car and driving away from that safe space becomes a Triathalon against a simple jog.

That fear, it seeps into your safe space and surrounds it. Remember playing 'hot lava' as a kid by jumping from one piece of furniture to the other? This time, every single square inch outside of your safe space is a deep trench of water and you're so afraid to fall in and keep falling until you run out of oxygen. That water rises, surrounding you right down to your skin until you're submerged in a bath of panic.

Agoraphobia is loud.

Imagine that you no longer have just one voice in your head. At first, you have two voices; your conscience, and your irrational thoughts that aren't actually irrational. This voice is different. You recognize it, but you aren't sure where from or even how. but It's just... so loud. Screaming that every single move you make is dangerous or wrong. You can cover your ears and shake your head but that voice never ever goes quiet. Every step you take is filled with risk and that voice will never fail to remind you of that. That voice wants you to be lonely; to have your full attention. If it doesn't, then it knows it will be drowned out by distractions; thus, it removes any distractions you may have.

Agoraphobia is NOT a joke.

Some people are homebodies, but some are agoraphobic. It shouldn't be the punchline of your joke. It shouldn't be the brand you use to promote some sort of attempt at relatable content. It is loneliness. It is excuses that you don't want to make. It is fear. It is loud. Agoraphobia is not your aesthetic.