To the people-pleasers…
You know who you are. You are the confidant of your peer group; you are the therapist, life coach, mediator, moderator, and “fixer." You feel the overwhelming need to ease all the pain in the world, fix all the problems, and prevent others from being hurt (probably as you have been in the past). If this describes you at all, read on. If this is not you, read on anyway, because chances are you rely on this friend, and they may need encouragement.
To backtrack, I am a people-pleaser. My main goal for most of my life has been to fix things. And, in the constant drive to solve the world’s problems, I stopped paying attention to my own. In that, I lost my way. I lost my words, my energy, my spark. I had writer’s block, but it was across the spectrum of my experiences, not just my words. To those of you who are burnt out by the problems of the world, the ones who fight with all their strength to end the suffering of their friends and loved ones. This poem is for you. You, who spend all your life saying “yes” to others, whether it’s a favor, a loan, or just a listening ear and kind word, should listen to this and read on.
Just a whole lot of interesting paper,
Just a whole lot of interesting pens,
And not one way to put them together,
The wordlessness, it never ends.
Like the music with notes never written,
The circling tune inside my head,
The painting not hung in the kitchen,
Just unopened jars blue, green, and red.
Like a monologue Shakespeare’d be proud of,
Only blankness instead of deep lines.
Like a poem from minds long forgotten,
But without flowing thoughts, words, and rhymes.
Like the mountains of great heights and power
That someone forgot how to climb.
Just a whole lot of interesting paper,
And the weight of the world on my mind.
There is a certain validation that comes from serving others. There is a psychological and emotional reward of sorts, a rush of satisfaction and a feeling of usefulness that enables us to truly feel needed and purposeful in this world. And that service, that dedication to those who are near and dear to us, that service is a part of our purpose. We are called, by whatever higher power you acknowledge, to help others and improve the world around us.
But why do so many who try to help others with their lives have so many issues on their own?
In my immediate circle of friends, no less than three at any given time suffer from bouts of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and any number of other detrimental and traumatic emotional, mental, and physical side effects of a significantly larger problem. And these are all people who lay down their lives for their friends on a daily basis. These are strong, beautiful souls who want nothing more than to make the world a less painful place. So why all the pain?
When you live life for others, one very simple thing tends to slip your mind. In order to truly care for others, you must first care for yourself. When you expend all of your energy on the problems of the world, when you pour all of yourself into them, for better or worse, you become an empty vessel, a shell and husk of humanity who is lost and alone and utterly exhausted. You lose your spark, your creativity, and your vitality. You lose your sense of self, and become this broken thing who can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t find any kind of center or stillness in the midst of all the turmoil. Because as you try to help others, as you bring their negativity into yourself, you have no way to release it. You can’t transform that energy into creativity because you have lost the part of yourself that creates. You just absorb it in, time and time again, until there’s no room left for any kind of peace. You feel anxious and alone, you have panic attacks and mood swings, you lose the ability to sleep through the night, and generally feel like an insane person with a tenuous grip on reality.
Now, what can you do about this predicament? Because the world will always need saving, and you will always feel validated in that task. And I am certainly not telling you to stop trying. But there has to be a balance, and you must understand several things.
First, you are unique. You are a combination of body, mind, and soul who is unlike any other on the face of the earth. You deserve to rejoice in that and revel in it, and you must protect it. There is no one else who can say what you say, think what you think, and do what you do. There is no one else with the ability to help how you help or create what you create.
Second, you are valuable. You matter. You have a purpose in this world, and when you lose sight of yourself, you become unable to fulfill it. You are needed by those you help. The world is a sad and broken place, and by caring for yourself, you are better able to care for it.
Third, and final, you are deserving. It’s easy to feel selfish for paying attention to yourself and your own needs and desires. It’s simple to fall into the trap of self-doubt and degradation, to feel guilty for taking any time for yourself. But a trap is exactly what that is. You are not here to be miserable, frantic, manic, depressed, and anxious. You are not here to feel guilty for every second you’re not in constant contact with those who rely on you (perhaps too much). You are here to live – to truly live and experience the joys that a fulfilling life can bring. But when you sweep your needs under the rug, you lose that joy and fulfillment. Helping others becomes an obligation, rather than a desire, and that misplaced sense of obligation only builds resentment.
So, advice for the current people-pleaser from the recovering one: take the time to enjoy yourself. Take five minutes of every day to be completely mindful and free from the trials of the world. Do one thing you love; be productive and creative. Draw, read, write, sing, dance, build…the options are limitless when you truly try. Don’t lose yourself in helping others; find yourself so that you may better help them.
Be the love and the light that this world so desperately needs, and begin it by loving yourself.
