As I lie on my couch, my hands run through my hair. It's an automatic response, like scratching a bug bite. As my mom enters the room, I quickly remove my hands from my hair and keep them busy with my phone. I brush away a huge pile of plucked hairs. "Just stop," she says, "Just stop pulling out your hair." The immediate feeling of shame overwhelms me as tears form in my eyes. What she doesn't know is that I cannot stop. What she doesn't know is that no matter how hard I try, I can't. What she doesn't know is that I try so desperately to quit. What she doesn't know is that I'm not doing this out of pleasure, I am doing it because I have an impulse control disorder. What she doesn't know is that the only thing that I want is to stop pulling.

But I can't.

I have trichotillomania, or trich, for short.

Trichotillomania, as I mentioned before, is an impulse control disorder, and body-focused repetitive behavior. It involves pulling out one's own hair from any region of the body, including the scalp, facial, body, and pubic hair. Contrary to popular belief, pulling out hairs does not hurt people who have trich. Instead, it provides a sense of relief, and extreme tension and anxiety when resisting the urge to pull. 1 to 2% of adults and adolescents suffer from trich. It is more prevalent in women. Some people pull consciously and others do not. People with trich may have other mental health disorders, such as depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Trichotillomania, as you can imagine, often results in immense hair loss, which can cause feelings of shame, embarrassment, and self-consciousness. People with trich can't just stop. It is not that simple. Hair salons are nightmare, because, why yes, that IS a giant bald spot. No, it's fine, really, just trim my hair now, please. Having people touch your hair makes you cringe. There is no "cure" for trich.

Now you know.

I implore you all to please research this disorder and spread awareness about it in any way that you can. Break the stigma. For people who have trich, it is extremely difficult to talk about. I have pondered over writing this article for months because it is hard to admit and even harder to talk about when people do not understand. However, if one person reads this and feels like they are not alone in their battle with trich, I do not care about the other hundreds of people who may read this and judge me for something that I cannot change or control. It is apart of my life and has been for about five years now. It will likely be apart of my life forever.

It is difficult and painful to explain, because a lot of the time, we don't know the answers you are looking for either. Therefore, please educate yourself. Realize that when you say things like "Just stop!" or "Are you pulling out or your hair?!", you are hurting people with trichotillomania. Please understand that we are not crazy, we simply have a different chemical balance in our brains. Please understand that we can't just stop. Please don't embarrass us by mentioning it. Many people with trich become extremely emotional when their disorder is brought up, including myself. Please don't touch my hair without me asking you to. The only thing you need to do if someone confides in you about their trichotillomania is be understanding.

If you have trich, please know that you are not alone. It is not as uncommon as you may think. It is not your fault that you can't control it. Please keep fighting, I know that it is difficult and painful and sometimes you feel disgusting and you hate yourself and you feel like you are the only one but you are not and you never will be. It is okay to feel vulnerable. Luckily, trich has amazing online support, there are many resources for guidance and help, you just have to look for it.

So for now, I have trich. I am learning to make my peace with it by being honest about it and being unashamed about what I cannot control. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll get to write an article about my recovery from this disorder, with a full head of hair.