To My Friends:
Things are going to start changing for me around the second week of October. You will probably see less of me, but know that it isn't because I'm mad at you. And I may text you a lot asking you to come watch movies with me. It's OK to say no. I'm sorry if I become clingy or distant. This is a hard time of year for me. Don't worry about my vaguely disturbing Facebook status updates, I promise, I am OK. If we are hanging out, and I get really distant and leave early, don't worry, it's not something you said. That just happens to me. I'm sorry if I am not as upbeat and fun as normal, it's harder for me than usual. Please take the time to say hi to me when you see me; it really means the world. If you feel brought down by me, take some space, I completely understand, but just know that in a few months I'll be back to being fun and exciting.
To My Dormmates:
Things are going to start changing for me around the second week of October. I am going to keep my door shut more. I am probably going to take longer, warmer showers, so I apologize for using up the last of the hot water. If you see me walking down the hallway with red eyes and a runny nose, don't panic. I am OK. This just happens sometimes this time of year. Please forgive me if I play my music too loud or listen to guided meditations in the bathroom, it's part of my self-care. Don't be afraid to knock on my door, I usually like the company. If I yell at you for being too loud at night, just try to remember that I've probably had a really bad day and am trying to sleep to forget it. Don't stop making music in the hallways on weeknights, it is the soundtrack I love to complete my homework to. And to whoever put a drawing of a bumblebee on my door, thank you, it made me feel loved and included.
To My Teachers:
Things are going to start changing for me around the second week of October. I may be late to class sometimes. I may have to leave early. This isn't because I don't care. This is because I have a disability. Some days are better than others. Some days getting to class is as easy as moving one foot in front of the other. Other days, it involves scraping myself off the floor of my dorm room, meditating until I can clear my mind of the bad thoughts, wiping away my tears, assembling myself into the semblance of a human being, and dragging myself through what I believe to be prying eyes into a class I know I can't pay attention to. I will miss some days, because some days it takes all of the strength inside of my broken mind to shout above the chatter of negative voices so I can hear the only words that really matter at that moment "I do not want to kill myself." So, yeah, sometimes it's hard to get to class. I promise I'll do my best to get all of my assignments done on time, but if I miss one, please don't be angry. Some days are better than others.
To My Boyfriend:
As you know, things are going to start changing for me around the second week of October. I might get mad at you, unreasonably mad, for little to no reason. Don't take it personally. Don't get mad at me. It means I am feeling sad. Sometimes that will happen, and when it does, you can give me hugs, and stroke my hair, and tell me you love me, but don't be offended if it doesn't make things better, because sometimes nothing but time can make things better. I'm sorry for calling you every time some thing goes wrong; you don't need to hear such negativity, but it makes me feel better to know that you are listening. Please keep trying to reach me through the darkness. I am still there, under the tears and numbness, I'm still me. I still love you.
To My Family:
Like always, things are going to start changing for me around the second week of October. Thank you for dealing with it for the past 10 years. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with it on my own. Thank you for not getting angry when I've yelled at you and insulted you and blamed you for everything going wrong. Thank you for always approaching me with open arms and kind hearts. Thank you for crying with me while I am down and laughing with me while I am up. Thank you for telling the school I was sick so I could stay in bed. Thank you for all the work you missed to take me to doctors appointments. Thank you for all the hugs you gave to make me feel whole. Thank you for understanding when I needed my space, and understanding when I didn't. Thank you for still answering the phone when I call past bedtime crying. It is someone else's burden to bear now. Thank you for doing the most amazing job with what you were given. I love you.
