Ambivalence. A state of having mixed feelings or contradicting ideas.
Ambivalence. One word, one not used much in everyday dialect. Nonetheless, a word that is full of so much meaning. A word worth thinking about.
Ambivalence plagues us every given day. From the moment we wake (what should I eat for breakfast, do I have time for breakfast, what should I wear?) until the end of the day (should I have a glass of red or white wine, should I work out, which TV show should I watch?). Ambivalence is found in the slightest of moments but also in the largest of moments too.
Many believe ambivalence is found in those moments of despair. The feeling of lying in the dark, your mind clouded with no light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. The gnawing pain in your stomach of knowing which decision you want to make, but worrying about the hurt, the anguish you may cause. Many see ambivalence as the silence that surrounds you for hours, simply because your thoughts seem loud enough for others to hear. The headache that arises from thoughts and memories that cannot be organized into their cabinets but are rather spewed all over the desk. Many remember some of their toughest moments, their toughest decisions when they think of ambivalence.
Ambivalence to me, though, can be defined by those moments in which you reflect on years past and realize how different life could have been had you made a different decision. Ambivalence is the light that suddenly clicks on, pushing the clouds away. It is the butterflies in your torso, from the nerves of finally executing the resolution. I see ambivalence as the moment your voice returns, and your thoughts sort back into their cabinets. I see ambivalence as those freeing moments, when you know how blessed you are to be where you are, somewhere you easily could have missed. Ambivalence is a state of having mixed feelings or contradicting ideas, but it is concurrently knowing the right decision will be made.
Ambivalence to me is the day (April 30th) where I finally sent in my deposit to Westminster College. Ambivalence to me is finding the courage to sit down next to my now boyfriend on the deck of a freaking cruise ship. Ambivalence to me is sitting in a hotel in Boston with some of the most supportive people I’ve met at WC, randomly applying to jobs in this city that I now call home. Ambivalence to me is being terrified but taking the jump anyway.
We, as humans, are often afraid of conflict. We are afraid of not knowing what to do. But being ambivalent is not a wicked thing. Being ambivalent does not make you indecisive, it does not make you unwise, it does not make you weak. Being ambivalent means you understand that this world is complex. Being ambivalent means that you can take adversity, and continue to dance anyway. Being ambivalent means you are a human who loves life the way it is, full of unscrupulous turns. Being ambivalent means you can look back one day knowing your life ended up the way it should have, and you would not want to change a single thing.
So today, and every day, I encourage you to be ambivalent. I encourage you to ask questions, and not be pushed into making the decisions you think you should make. I encourage you to sit down and recognize the times that confliction turned into a positive thing. I encourage you to reflect on those best decisions of your life. I even encourage you to reflect on the times where you made the wrong decision but you learned so many lessons anyway.
So go on, world. Be ambivalent
