Surprise, I'm oversharing with the internet about my heart because I want to be authentic.
2018 was a year of a lot of growth and happiness and also pain. I think a lot of that pain was very related to unhealthy mental patterns and insecurity.
The closer we get to graduation, the more paralyzed I feel. And it seems to be a chain reaction: I begin to think about the future, I begin to doubt everything about myself and the world, and I convince myself a little more every time I go through this thought process that I'm just going to end up a screw-up that doesn't reach her potential or do anything good for our world.
And every time I convince myself of that, just a little more, I can feel my drive, positivity and confidence drain away just a little more.
At the moment, I'm a little afraid that this thought-process is slowly chipping away at my actual abilities and motivation. If I'm just going to mess everything up, if I am going to disappoint everyone, what's the point in even trying? Talk about detrimental…
I can feel it happening to me, but there's one word I'm going to keep very close to my heart at this time: fight. Don't give it up.
Fight. When the world and your brain start convincing you that you can't do this, scream back.
I'm starting to scream very specific things. Take up space. Let yourself take up space. Believe in yourself. Don't convince yourself of a small Universe. You were made to do good things. You can do this. It will be good. It will be hard, but it will be good. Believe in the God of good.
If I don't scream back, I think I could quite possibly convince myself out of believing these things. Completely. It is terrifying to feel yourself spiraling out of belief because that's what life is built upon.
And I think these words I'm screaming back at my darkness are my prayer. Because I know I don't do this alone, that humans weren't made to be solitary, that I'm not obligated to be strong all the time, that there's a God sitting with me in my storm, I've just let the wind and flying furniture blur my vision.
So, I'm going to choose to make 2019 a year of great belief. I'm going to fight for the goodness I know exists, even when I don't feel it.
This fight will absolutely continue past 2019 straight through the rest of my time on this earth, but it's a fight worthy of my time. I know each of us is meant to live and manifest love. I know this. Let's not convince ourselves that we are the odd ones out.
Fight. Because giving up is not the option you were created for.