I value my freedom. I value my own personal time to reflect upon myself, grow, and live in which in a way that pleases me. If you would have told me a year ago today, that I would be so eager to get back to university; I wouldn't have believed you.
Growing up in a tight-knit family, it was very hard to every truly have your space. Not that if I asked for space I would not receive it, I just simply did not want it. I am somebody who spends every waking moment with their family and I love every second of it.
Going away to school I struggled being away from home. And as many people put it I was "homesick". I was homesick for comfort and the feeling of safety. I missed knowing I was coming home to a house filled with people who knew me inside and out, instead of new people I had to get to know.
It was definitely difficult being away from the ones I loved. And many times I considered transferring. I was home every other weekend, I would cry when my family would leave after a visit, and I was honestly just scared of the thought of being alone.
There are many different types of alone. For example, the kind where you fear making your own decisions and the kind where you fear not having people to turn to. I knew I was capable of making my own life choices, but I didn't feel capable to start all over again and find new people to trust and confide in. A year from today, I was crying over heading back to Delaware. Today, I am excited and ready.
The main difference; understanding the importance of being alone. I once read a quote that put things into perspective for me and it said, "You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around you there is silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that's loneliness or freedom."
This quote may be perceived differently for each individual. However, for me, this means there is beauty is having time with yourself, your thoughts, and your fears as well. Over the course of this past year, I had to learn what it meant to be on my own and more importantly who I was on my own.
I could genuinely say throughout this past year, I have grown. I learned the importance of healing, opening up, and not being afraid of sharing myself with the world. Now when I am home, no offense mom and dad, I crave my alone time.
It is an overwhelming feeling, sitting with your own thoughts. And you recognize that there are so many beautiful things that make you, you. For me, it's journaling or writing on my own in the comfort of my own silence. At home, that is often disrupted.
It is not that I dislike company but I now am more understanding of the beauty in silence. Appreciating the flow of my very own ideas without distraction is all. At school, I now recognize the endless opportunity to create my own time.
The days I crave are sitting with coffee clutched in one hand and textbook in the other. A beautiful day in Newark, Delaware sitting in the cutest of indie cafes. Enjoying the music and ambiance. I am eager to get back to that.
I am also beyond eager to get back to my friends! The ones who I laugh with so uncontrollably my stomach hurts. The ones I confide in the most. I am grateful for them because with their help to I have seen just how beautiful the experience of being away from home can be.
Most of all I love the freedom. I love knowing I wake up each day as my own. That there are no expectations but the ones I create for myself. It's my own little world and I have learned to love it, all on my own.
Of course, do I still have my moments where I miss my family, yes. But truthfully what held me back last year, was the fear. The fear that if I learned to love being away from home, would that mean that I love my friends and family from home any less? I know now that answer is no.
It is okay to value your freedom, your own time and space, and to find comfort in being on your own. It is not something to fear, yet something to value and take pride in. So the difference from last year to this year, total acceptance of freedom! Here is to a new semester of growing and learning some more.
