Dear M,
I want to write this to you while we're still together, while I still love you, while things are good. It's been the best six months of my life and I want to ride this high for as long as we possibly can. I hope it's for a long time. A long, long, long time.
I don't know how to say stuff like this. I want to say that I'm a writer but most of the time, I feel like a fraud because I'm too scatterbrained with jumbled thoughts and can never convey what I'm actually trying to say.
Anyway, here's what I want to say.
Whether it's God, some other higher power, or pure coincidence, I'm glad we stumbled into each others' lives. Our relationship is not like the movies where every kiss is compared to fireworks and explosions. Our relationship is one of certainty. Every time we hold hands or kiss or even look at each other, I am sure. I am sure that every heart-wrenching moment we are not together will all be worth it when we see each other again. I am sure that every kiss is somehow impossibly better than the last. I am sure that knowing you love me fills me with joy to an extent I did not know was possible.
I may be slightly biased but I don't think there is anyone as amazing as you out there. You've asked me several times what would be an immediate deal-breaker between us and I always try to come up with something so I can hold on to some semblance of power. But if I'm being completely honest, you could screw me over a million times and I'd still question whether the pain of breaking up with you would be worth it.
I think about you constantly. Ever since that first FaceTime call where I heard your voice for the first time, I haven't stopped obsessing over the idea that you'll talk to me again, smile at me again, make me laugh again. Since then, you've been consuming my every waking thought and then my dreams when I'm asleep. When we finally met, we immediately latched on to each other like two halves being stitched back together. And still, you're never close enough. Perhaps if our bodies were threads we could mingle together in a knot impossible to untangle, we would finally be close enough. But... I still have my doubts about that.
Most of all I'm thankful. Thank you for putting up with my never-ending list of insecurities and the existential dread that you'll leave me for someone better. Thank you for always being the one to concede on a disagreement even if I'm probably the one in the wrong. Thank you for being the one place I can go to where I find comfort in my own skin. Thank you for the past six months and for all the months to come. If home is where the heart is, you are my home.
I love you and happy six months. (Even through by the time this is out, it'll be wayyy past six months.)
Yours,
Anika.
