I wish there was an easy way to tell you how it feels. To explain to you how tainted and grey life feels through depression. There isn't. There is no precise definition to give to anyone that gives a clear definition of what depression is. It's different for everyone. Sleepless nights, bursts of tears...nothing about life makes me excited. My dark room and bed is the only place I feel comfortable. Everything that once brought me joy---no longer exists. I see no sunshine, I can not think of a single thing to look forward to. My drive and appreciation for life, gone. I feel alone. The person who was once your entire heart, gone. The people who promised to be there, gone. My mom and dad too scared of me, to even know how to help.

Some days are easy. Some days I just do not think about everything that has caused my heart so much pain. I don't think about yesterday, or tomorrow...I only think of today. Other days, I can't shake the grey cloud from my heart and mind. It's not that I am thinking too much, it's that I'm thinking not at all. What is left of my feelings feel bleached. What is left of my feelings--dull and muted.

I get frustrated. I get frustrated because my thoughts are out of my control. And my thoughts lead me to actions. Actions that hurt others. Actions that drive the one or two people left around, to leave also...even if it's momentary absence. And then continues the cycle. I hurt the people I love, I push them away due to my own lack of control, and then somehow, I feel worse than before. More alone.

In the many podcasts I listen to, to escape my current reality, I heard a doctor say, "With depression, genes give you a loaded gun. However, it is your environment that pulls the trigger."

Depression essentially pushes me away from myself, while simultaneously pushing those around me away, also.

It's not an easy road. And everyone seems to think my depression is controlled, or "simply getting up and moving on" is the answer. How wonderful, if it was. How wonderful, to desire life again. How wonderful, for your mind to do as you tell it.

If you've stuck around on my irritable, dark days, thank you.

Thank you for loving me when nobody else could.

Thank you for fighting for me when I could not.

Thank you for not running away.

Thank you for doing what you knew how.

Thank you for trying to remind me how beautiful life is.

I promise to try. I promise to always try.