At a very young age, I learned the scariest lesson I’ll ever know. No matter how much people love you, they can always leave. It’s terrifying to acknowledge that you can’t control people, and every friend, significant other, or family member could one day make the decision to walk out. As much as I hate the stigma of being a "damaged child from a broken home," the person I am today was, in part, shaped by my parents’ split. Throughout the years, I’ve learned a thing or two from their divorce.
1. It's going to hurt.
Watching a divorce unfold isn’t easy, no matter what stage of your life it occurs in. You’re going to carry the memories, scars, and feelings with you forever. Sometimes they’ll settle quietly in the back of your mind. Other times, they’ll throb against your temples, sting your eyes, and choke back the words in your throat. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be hurt, b. Because the pain now is going to make you stronger later.
2. Marriage doesn't mean family, and family doesn't mean forever.
Just because wedding vows contain the word "forever," that doesn’t mean it’ll be that way. Just because both parents are supposed to be around to raise their children, that doesn’t mean that’s going to happen. Sometimes “family” leaves. Sometimes, you have to distance yourself from “family” for your own physical, emotional, or mental well-being. And that’s okay. Despite what genetics tell you, you get to pick who you consider family.
3. You never know what's going on behind closed doors.
A lot of people get caught up in perfection. They think their neighbors have a perfect marriage, with perfect children, in a perfect house, with a perfect life. Children of divorced parents will be the first to tell you that familial perfection doesn’t exist. Outwardly appearances are misleading and can be the complete opposite of what goes on behind closed doors. Just because you don’t see the problems doesn’t mean you can assume they don’t exist.
4. Independence is important.
It’s sad to say, but people aren’t always dependable. People will let you down in life. It’s inevitable. I’m not saying you should keep people at a distance to avoid being disappointed. What I am saying is that you need to be prepared to do things for yourself. When the person you’re counting on leaves, you need to be able to pick up where they left off. Sometimes, you have to learn things on your own, like how to shave or tie a tie. Independence means that you know that, if comes down to it, you can handle life on your own.
5. You don't have to take anyone's advice.
A funny thing happens when people find out your parents are divorced—people suddenly feel the urge to tell you how you should handle the situation. Depending on how much the person knows, and the circumstances of the divorce, the comments they gift us with change. “You should fix your relationship. You’ll regret it later in life if you don’t.” “You shouldn’t hold what they did in the past against them.” My personal favorite is “Get over it.” No one else can understand the dynamic between your family members, not even your siblings; my sisters and I all have very different relationships with my father since my parents’ divorce. No one understands what you think or feel, so you don’t have to take any of their advice. What you do is your choice.
6. Marriage isn't for everyone.
Marriage is a very old convention, and the majority of people get married at some point in their life. That being said, marriage isn’t for everyone. Thankfully, in today’s society, not getting married is less taboo than it was 50 years ago. It’s acceptable to live and have children with someone you’re not married to. Personally, I don’t know if I’ll ever get married. That doesn’t mean I don’t want kids. That doesn’t mean I don't believe in long term relationships. That doesn’t mean I’m not looking for the love of my life. It means I don't know if I want to partake in the convention of marriage, because I’ve seen what happens when it doesn’t work out.
7. You get to decide who you let in.
This one goes hand in hand with number two. You get to pick who you want to let into your life. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to. Your personal business is just that—personal. It can be hard for the children of divorced parents to trust others. It’s okay if it takes time, or if you don’t trust many people. It’s up to you.
8. Relationships are hard.
That being said, once you do get into a position where you trust and care about a person enough to start a romantic relationship with them, you know it’s not going to be easy. It’s difficult to not be jaded about relationships, because you’ve seen relationships that were supposed to last forever shatter. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Just because your parents’ relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that your relationships won't work out, too.
9. You are still worthy of love.
It’s not uncommon for the children of divorced parents to foster abandonment issues and insecurities from the trauma of the divorce. You may feel that somehow you’re “damaged goods,” but this couldn't be further from the truth. You’ve seen some of the hardest things life can throw your way, but the sad things only make you appreciate the happy things more. You know the child of divorced parents will put work into a relationship, love as much as they can, and won’t purposefully hurt their significant other, because they know how that pain feels.
