1. I was getting sick of my civil liberties, anyway.
Peaceful protests are, thankfully, a thing of the past. Luckily, if any unruly thugs try to attend a Trump rally, and dare I say, watch silently while wearing a Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton t-shirt, they will be forcefully removed by the police and yelled at by loyal Trump-ees.
2. Other countries were starting to respect us too much.
Especially that cold, moose-loving northern neighbor, Canada. Their prime minister, Justin Trudeau, had the audacity to say this in response to questions about Trump:
"I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone that I stand firmly against the politics of division, the politics of fear, the politics of intolerance or hateful rhetoric. If we allow politicians to succeed by scaring people, we don’t actually end up any safer. Fear doesn’t make us safer. It makes us weaker."
They're probably just trying to increase their tourism by suggesting that those who don't support Trump can move there for refuge. Peasants.
3. He's a great businessman.
Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Magazine, Trump Mortgage, and let's not forget GoTrump.com. Success stories. Donald even promoted many luxury hotels in exotic locations, some of which are building slowly, or not at all, but we still have faith...
4. America was starting to progress a little too fast.
Women? They're just fat, slovenly pigs who get pissy when they have their periods. Don't even get me started on gay marriage... Thankfully, the Donald would appoint some better Supreme Court Justices to "overturn" that disgusting mess.
5. Tolerance and acceptance are overrated.
Just like many other successful leaders, Trump has suggested some pretty good ideas when it comes to minorities. Mexicans, as we all know, can be put to work building that wall between our countries rather than coming to America to rape and pillage. Plus, a national registry for Muslims would totally not inspire hatred or radical ideas of racism or xenophobia. After all, it worked pretty well in the past, right?
6. He tells the real, honest truth.
This guy really tells it like it is. He "doesn't settle lawsuits," his campaign is "self-funded," and he even owns the biggest winery on the East Coast. Trump can literally do no wrong.
7. It's all about good looks.
Trump is known for being super vocal about the appearance of others, justifiably so. Compared to that fat, ugly pig Rosie O'Donnell, that nasty-faced Cary Fiorina, and all of his other unattractive fellow candidates like "Little Marco," Trump is basically Fabio. Plus, his hands, and his, well... you know, are both NOT small.
8. Violence is always the answer.
Trump knows how to get things done. He'll blow up all of ISIS, after all. So, naturally, when his fans get a little feisty at his rallies, Trump encourages the right thing to do: beat the living snot out of anyone who doesn't agree. So be a man and throw that punch, because Trump will pay your legal fees. What a saint!
9. He's not a politician.
But yet, somehow, he still has such a firm grasp of the Constitution and Bill of Rights! Thank God. First amendment ~forever~*