1. Bearded
Soak it all in, because you're about to embark on the journey dubbed "shaving." Yes, this is scary. Yes, you'll regret it. But face it, you don't have the time, patience, or personal hygiene to maintain a proper mane. You might think to yourself, "Sure I do. You're wrong, Mr. Article-Writer." But no, you don't. You're disappointing your mother, you're scaring away girls, and the only people who support your facial hair growth are your bros, who, might I add, are the same guys who thought mailbox baseball was a good idea at 2 a.m. last Saturday. So go ahead, take one last picture of your face forest and begin the 8 stages of shaving!
2. Chinny-Chinny Bang-Bang
If you've been growing your beard for a while, odds are you've got some length coming off your chin. You look ridiculous, but you'd probably make an incredible Civil War general. Here's your chance to look like some of these guys:
3. The Stay-At-Home Dad
Or simply, the goatee. Some guys keep this look for a while, and that's fine, but before doing so you should ask yourself: Do I have kids? Do I teach high school English? Do I cook meth in the deserts of New Mexico? If you answered "No" to any or all of these questions, read forward. Otherwise, join the club:
4. The Biker
A classic, but hard to pull off. If you don't ride a Harley Davidson, play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, or wrestle for a living, this probably isn't the look for you. Basically, don't keep this look unless you are 100% positive that you are as cool as these guys:
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5. The Stache
6. Charlie Chaplin
Don't read into this one too much.
7. Grief
There are supposedly seven stages of grief. I won't list them all here, but believe me, once your beard is ripped from your skin and searching its way through the dark pipes of your sink, you will grieve. Oh, you will grieve.
8. Clean Shaven
While having a beard is amazing, nothing says manhood like getting up every morning, lathering your face with shaving cream and dragging the sharpest of blades repeatedly down your bare skin. Yes, you will grow facial hair again. Yes, you will repeat these eight steps. That's the magic of beards. No matter how many times you shave them off, they're always willing to grow back in. Here's to you, beards, for your perpetual loyalty. Cheers.
