Almost five years ago, I started dating my ex. It started out as that magical, irrational, head-over-heels romance that has you staying up on the phone with him until 5:00 in the morning. Pretty soon, I had a promise ring on my finger. Not long after that, we made plans to spend the rest of our lives together, despite going to different colleges. Long distance started out fine, but it wasn't long before my ex became extremely manipulative, controlling, and eventually, abusive. I knew our relationship wasn't healthy, but I stayed with him for an entire year after I began noticing what he was doing to me.
But it gets better. I'm now in a wonderfully healthy and rewarding relationship, but it has required major adjustments on my part. After manipulation became my normal, being with a person who does nothing like that almost seemed a little weird at first. And though we've been together for almost two years, I'm still learning what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. So here is a list of the changes I've been working through:
1. I still apologize for everything.
This is probably because I have been so used to every negative thing that ever happened somehow being my fault. I would apologize for things I couldn't possibly have been sorry for, simply because I knew it would pacify my ex. I've been getting better about this though, but not without a lot of patience from my friends and partner.
2. I sometimes assume my partner is mad at me, when he basically never is.
The first time I had this realization, I was at a house party, and had my phone in my purse. My partner was staying in for the night, and I was visiting him after the party. The music was loud, and I didn't hear my phone ring when he called, wondering what time I would be coming over. An hour later, I frantically called him back with a million apologies and hurried over to his room immediately, and apologized more. But he wasn't mad. Not even a little. He just wanted to know when to expect me. Whenever I do something that I assume would piss off my partner, but doesn't, I have to take a step back and remember that I feel that way because my ex had unfair expectations of me that revolved around him.
3. I'm slowly coming to terms with the negative emotions I wasn't allowed to acknowledge when I was with my ex.
This is a big one, and I'm still working on it all the time. When I was with my ex, I wasn't allowed to talk about my feelings; my job was to listen to him and support him, but it rarely went both ways. When I wanted to talk about something that was upsetting me, he always had it worse than me, and made me feel like my emotions weren't as important as his, and I was selfish for wanting to talk about myself. I still have a hard time admitting that I'm upset, but knowing that my friends and my partner will hear me out completely has made recovery a lot easier.
4. I've stopped feeling guilty about asking for what I need.
This is pretty similar to the previous thought. Being with my partner now has helped me realize that my feelings and needs are important, and that when I need something, I am allowed to ask for it. Sometimes it's quality time, a midday phone call, or a really good back rub. The thing is, when you put in effort to make your significant other happy, you deserve the same effort in return. And asking for what you deserve should never, ever, make you feel guilty.
5. I spend more time with my friends.
When I was with my ex, anything that made me happy, simultaneously made me feel guilty most of the time. Any time I spent with other friends, he felt I should've spent with him. Eventually, he asked that I drop out of my sorority "because it didn't benefit our relationship." But with my partner, anything that makes me happy also makes him happy. And relationships made up of two happy people tend to work out better, or so I've heard.
6. I don't lie (as much).
I read somewhere that the shorter the leash you keep on your children, the more lies you'll probably be told. I think the same is true in romantic relationships. But the leash my ex kept me on was so short, that I started lying about completely innocent things, like saying I was at the library when I was really doing homework with my sisters in the Gamma Phi house. I never should've felt like I had to lie about where I was doing my homework and with whom.
7. I've realized that my opinions are worth defending.
I'm not a fighter, especially not when I was with my ex, and arguments about what I wanted to do on a Friday turned into him screaming about how I was a selfish bitch. So when the abuse got really bad, I stopped fighting altogether, and passively agreed with whatever he said, even though it hurt. It didn't matter how I felt, or whether or not I thought he was wrong; at least we weren't fighting. With my partner now, though we've never really fought, I trust that I can share my thoughts with him without it getting ugly.
8. I've embraced doing my own thing.
My partner and I have a very different set of interests. He likes video games, but I prefer books. He likes sports, and I really like knitting. I'd argue that we probably are almost more alike than we are different, but because he respects me as a person, I am allowed to embrace the things that I enjoy, even if they aren't his thing. He has never once asked me to give up anything that I enjoy, and the absence of that pressure has set me free.
