Living alone as a young adult is something we all go through at some point in our lives. Typically, you'll graduate college, get yourself a tiny apartment, and continue living your now adult life with a job and bills and all that adult-y stuff. But what happens when life doesn't go according to plan?
Recently, I have found myself in a situation where I am living alone much sooner than I thought I would. For any normal young adult, this would suck, but it wouldn't be a major deal. For me, however, it's something that rattled my very core.
I struggle every day with depression and anxiety. These two things don't like sudden life changes, and they certainly don't like being alone. So my life has turned into a cyclone of "WHYYY?!?!." So, in light of all these new experiences that I'm very suddenly having to figure out how to manage, I decided I would share with the world what it's like to live alone with depression versus living alone in general.
1. Cleaning
For a normal person, or for me on a day when my depression isn't crippling, cleaning is an essential. Things have to be clean, garbage taken out, carpet vacuumed, etc. Granted, it's something nobody likes to do, but it gets done because it's just one of those things that must be taken care of. Living alone with depression, cleaning doesn't matter. Cleaning would take the very small amount of energy in my body and suck it up by the time I took one plate to the sink. So instead, I do nothing. My clothes are strewn across the entire house and I have to do a sniff-test to determine what is clean and what is dirty. There are dishes everywhere that get reused because I'm the only person eating off of them, so why not? Vacuuming, sweeping and mopping? That would require moving all the extra stuff on the floor out of the way, and that's just too much work for my depression to handle. I keep telling myself over and over that it needs to be done, but my brain and body decide otherwise.
2. Eating
Most normal young adults would cook for themselves and occasionally order take-out. Me? It takes everything in me to force myself to microwave some fish sticks for the day. Forget three meals a day - I'm lucky if I eat once a day. It's not because I'm trying to starve myself, but instead because I have no desire to eat. What I do eat is extremely unhealthy and almost never cooked. I have hamburger, but I'm trying to save it since I have no money and no will to go to the store to buy real food. So instead I eat Ramen, canned vegetables, and cheese sticks. I just drink tap water and alcohol to numb the depression.
3. Bathing
Welcome to the world of depression, where things that normal people find completely disgusting, like not bathing for a week, are reality. While I know it's extremely important to bathe, my brain says "what's the point?" If I'm staying in an empty apartment by myself watching Netflix, reading books, and crying because I have nothing else to do, why bathe? Nobody is around to smell me and who is really going to care if I rot away in my own filth? Yes, it's disgusting. This is what living alone with depression is like.
4. Talking
Living alone, everybody talks to themselves at some point. Some people turn on music and sing, some give themselves motivational talks while they exercise, and some react to their favorite TV shows out loud. But with depression, I see no reason to speak. The only time I use my voice is when someone calls me. As a singer, it's a strange new sensation for me to not make any sound, but I see no point. Nobody is around to hear me sing, I hate my singing and speaking voice, and I'm already crazy enough as is - I don't want to start talking to myself to make it worse. So instead, as the 21 Pilots song goes: "Now I just sit in silence."
5. Clothes
Everybody wears clothing. It's just a fact of life. Whether you're at home alone or out in the real world, everybody gets dressed. But when you're living alone with depression, there's no point. When you're the type of person that keeps all the blinds shut and the doors locked anyways, what's the point in wasting the energy to find clothes to wear? Nobody is around to judge my body and there's certainly nobody here that I could offend with my nudity. Kelly Rippa, host of Live with Kelly, likes to tell people who win vacations by themselves to secluded islands "Say it with me: all nude, all the time." I basically live my life this way, and not because I'm in a luxurious hotel, but because I see no point to wear clothes. I just walk around in a blanket all day.
6. Keeping in touch
Most people will call or text their friends and family to keep them updated in their lives. My depression tells me otherwise. Instead, I just spend my time by myself. I'll occasionally flip through Facebook and like a status or two. Maybe I'll put up a post if I'm doing something. But other than that, I don't talk to someone unless they initiate conversation. If nobody cares enough to check up on me, why should I care enough to update anybody? I know that sounds trivial and dumb, but that's how my battle with depression works.
These are just six things that make my experience living alone different from the experiences of a normal, healthy, happy young adult living on their own. It's hard and it's lonely. So if you ever think I'm begging for attention, it's not because I'm a child and am whining; it's because I'm desperate for someone to notice me before my battle takes me over the edge and I succumb to all the awful things that run through my head on a day to day basis. If you know someone struggling with depression, even if they are or are not living alone, please - give them a hug; send them a text message; ask them to check on you. Do something so they know that they aren't completely alone in this world. Because that's the worst feeling in the world.
