I hate Tinder like I hate cargo shorts and hard work. Despite this fact, I never quite get around to deleting it. Tinder makes me feel sometimes terrible and sometimes wonderful. Our love is a roller coaster, but I can't seem to get rid of it.
I know what you're saying. "But Dan, you're so handsome and chiseled and charismatic, and you can eat an entire frozen pizza in one sitting like a real man." To which I say, "Don't interrupt me while I'm trying to write this article, you classless son-of-a-bitch."
But anyway, I've been on Tinder for a few weeks (years), and I've learned something about the world: people are weird. Not you, obviously, but everyone else. And because I'm hip on all the trends and always know what the kids are up to these days, I thought I could write a list to help you guys find true love, or a drunken hook-up, or whatever your little hearts desire.
1. Please, no basic bitch quotes.
What's a basic bitch quote, you may ask? Well, if it was "said by" Marilyn Monroe, it's probably a basic bitch quote. If it includes the words "princess," "queen," "sunshine," or "smile," it's probably a basic bitch quote. If it's a song lyric by Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, or one of the Iggys, it's probably a basic bitch quote.
2. Please, no pictures of babies/kids without you in the picture as well.
Having a picture of you WITH a baby is fine. But having a picture of someone's random kid seems off-putting. I just have too many questions: Is it your baby? Is it a baby that follows you around? Or am I looking at an unusually sexually developed baby's Tinder? Is it weird that I just used the words "sexually developed" to describe a baby? Okay, I'm going to move to the next one now.
3. Please, no pictures of YOU as a baby.
My problem with this one is partly due to the reasons I listed in number two. But also, people tend to have a blind spot when it comes to their own baby pictures. You may think you were adorable, but really you look like an unhappy, gnarled tree stump. Let's just try to avoid baby pictures altogether, okay?
4. Please, no pictures of you holding a gun.
I'm not sure what it is about people in the Midwest, but everyone seems to love taking pictures with their gun. Sure, we all know how badass you look standing on top of a centaur or rhino or whatever with your gun pointed up at the sky, but I'm not sure if you want your potential partner to feel vaguely threatened by you. Maybe you should try a picture with you petting a defenseless kitten instead. (I'm just trying to help you, please don't hurt me.)
5. Please, no pictures of a naked chest without your head.
This one is (probably) directed more towards the guys. Gentlemen, I really envy your confidence. I hope to be just like you one day when Taco Bell isn't my neighbor. However, it is a little uncomfortable to have your nipples make such aggressive eye contact (they never blink!). If you want to show off what you've got, go for it. But let's include the head next time, because you look headless (unless of course you lost your head in an accident or something, in which case, we love you, God bless you, and you are so brave).
6. Please, no memes.
Let's just not, OK?
