Managing and maintaining friendships can be tough enough sometimes, but having anxiety can make it even harder. Sometimes your anxiety takes control and the average friend cannot understand your habits or reasonings behind certain actions. I am someone who has anxiety, and trying to cope with the irrational thoughts and fears in a time in my life where socializing is put on this pedestal and is supposed to be so crucial in my life is hard. I am trying my best and I am getting better at handling myself, but there are a few things I want to let my friends know about my anxiety.

1. Sometimes I get meticulous.

I know it can be hard to wait for me when I have to think through things. I hope you can forgive me when I am the last person to leave the classroom yet again because I have to put all of my supplies in the right pockets so I don't freak out trying to find what I need later. I hope you can forgive me if I make too much noise rearranging the supplies on my desk or if I seem unattentive while I write out yet another list or yet another note. My brain is constantly going in multiple directions and finding some organization in my madness of a workspace can sometimes be the thing that keeps me calm. It can be frustrating when I overthink and thoroughly plan through multiple small things, but I feel like I have to get it right.

2. Sometimes I get reserved.

Yeah, I have to miss going out, yet again. Maybe you'll start to think that I'm "not fun" because I don't go out most nights a week or initiate too many outings. All I can really tell you is that being around people is draining for me. I overanalyze social interactions constantly, trying to hold a timid conversation while thinking "did I phrase that right? Will they take that okay? Am I speaking out of turn? Maybe I shouldn't talk yet." Sometimes I need time to myself. I do care about you and want to see you, but going to the mall after a busy week can seem more like a stressor than a relaxer. This isn't always ideal in a world constantly in motion and in a society that never takes a break, but I need to take things slow sometimes.

3. Sometimes you'll think I'm lame.

Please forgive me when I don't come out to any party with drugs or alcohol. I hope you can forgive me for not "letting loose" because I'm terrified of losing control of myself. I hope you can forgive me if I take a joke or a comment you make "way too seriously" and think deeper about what you said. Sometimes I can come off as a stick in the mud because taking risks and going out to try new things is something I'm still learning to be okay with. Forgive me when I come off lame because I've seen too much and think too much about everything that can go wrong in almost all situations.

4. Sometimes I come off the wrong way.

I get quiet. I've never been one to be overly talkative, but sometimes people interpret my silence to be disinterest or anger. Usually, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am a perfectionist by nature and my brain usually wants to fully process everything before diving right in. I am sorry if my lack of participation is frustrating to you. Forgive me if I tweet and message and text you more than talk to you face to face because I'm scared of stuttering and saying something wrong and through text, I can revise and check and check and check for mistakes. I probably care and I probably have an opinion, but it takes courage for me to say anything comfortably because of a constant fear of being wrong, out of place, or made fun of.

5. Sometimes I lose sight of who I am.

Please forgive me for the days I forget I'm more than just a vessel for an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks are overwhelming and all-consuming, feeding off of any energy you have left in your body. I feel it in my limbs, as they feel out of place. I feel it in my stomach and my head, as if all of my insides are suddenly shutting down and the world is collapsing around me. Sounds become physical ammunition, hitting me at all angles. Simple touch can make my skin crawl. My brain panics, and it is almost impossible to function. What makes it worse is that it can sometimes happen without a set trigger, and that is the hardest for friends to understand. Why am I panicking when there is no reason to? Is this sense of panic all that I am now? How can I accomplish anything like this? Will it ever get better?

6. I am trying my best.

Anxiety is something I deal with, but I do not want it to encompass who I am. I want you to know that when you become my friend, you are becoming friends with Catherine, and my mental baggage doesn't and shouldn't define me. I have grown leaps and bounds, and I am starting to let my true personality shine through more and more. I speak up more in class, and I am getting better at not being scared of mistakes. I go out more and take risks; I don't make as many excuses as I used to. Even with my growth, there are days where the world will still collapse around me and days where it is better for me to be alone or to relax. I still love you and appreciate you, and I always want to accept others for who they are. I hope that you can still accept me, even if it takes some getting used to.