Does your roommate freak out about every assignment? Do they require constant reassurance that no, there aren't any typos in that paper, and yes, it does make sense? Did they once say Edgar Allan Poe was British on a final exam and then insist on informing the professor of their mistake after the exam is already turned in?
Well, fear not! Now there's help! Here is a quick guide on how to care for your stressed-out roommate. Follow these steps carefully, and your roommate will be breathing easy in no time!
Disclaimer: This is a guide specifically to help with your roommate's anxiety. The following techniques do not work on aiding with your own anxiety. This is not about you. This is about them. Stop being so selfish.
Let's get started!
1. Wrap your roommate in a blanket burrito.
When your roommate begins that slow descent into panic that comes every once in a while (read: once a week), grab the nearest soft blanket and wrap it around them like a burrito. This is not to be confused with blankets made out of burritos. Your roommate should merely resemble a burrito. The feeling of being wrapped in something warm and soft will allow your roommate to feel safe and comforted. It will also prevent them from moving their arms in order to read through that paper they've been staring at for 24 hours. Straight. Without breaks.
2. Pat your roommate softly on the head and say, "There, there."
The combination of the soft motion and your soothing voice will lull your roommate into a hypnotic state that makes them more likely to accept the validity of phrases such as, "The paper is fine" and "Sweetie, I read it through myself, it is okay, you do not need to edit it again, seriously, you edited it three times in the last ten minutes, I think it's okay." Do not be alarmed if they start to hum. A stressed roommate begins to hum in much the same way a cat begins to purr; it merely means they are content.
3. Grab your roommate a quick snack.
It is likely that your roommate has not eaten as much as they should since they received the assignment they are currently spiraling out of control over. Give them an easy to eat snack, such as goldfish crackers. Something that you can feed them. Because, you know, they can't use their arms. You really did a good job wrapping them up. Make sure they get plenty of water!
4. Make sure they mean it when they say they want to read through it one more time.
After unwrapping your roommate slightly to give them use of their arms, they will attempt to guilt you into giving them more readthroughs than are necessary by using what I will deem, "The Cute Voice." Do not give in to The Cute Voice. It is a cheap trick and must not be indulged. Do allow your roommate to read through the paper one more time, but make sure that it actually is one more time. Sit next to them and read through it, too, if you must, but be firm. One more time means one more time.
5. Be patient as they prepare to turn the assignment in.
This is the difficult part. We have now reached the point where the roommate must physically turn in the assignment. It will take awhile for your roommate to accept the fact that they need to turn in the assignment. If they resist, try patting them on the head and saying, "There, there" again. This will hopefully soothe them enough that they will stop pressing the save button and actually move to the place where they need to turn in the assignment. If need be, sit by them and hold their hand as they do it. If they hesitate, use words of encouragement, such as, "Come on, you got this." Or, "Yes, the paper makes sense. I promise." Or even, "Seriously, you've been staring at it for how long now?" It may be necessary to repeat these phrases ad nauseum.
6. Watch as your roommate actually turns in the assignment.
Your roommate has finally done it. Everything is set to turn in the assignment. You have assured them time and again that the paper makes sense, that there is nothing wrong with it, and that it is okay to turn it in. Coach them through it, step by step. "That's it, now log in." "Okay, you got this." "Yes, there's the page for the class." "The assignment is right there." "No, down a bit." "There you go." "Okay, there's the dropbox. Just drag it over." "No, you saved it already, you don't have to..." "Okay." "Hon, just turn it in." "Great, now drag it over..." "And the submit button is there." "Just there." "See, look, I'm pointing at it." "Okay, here we go." This is a good time to hold your roommate's hand as they press the submit button. Your roommate may emit a small sound resembling a beach ball deflating, or even the sound of a very small person screaming softly. This is normal. It is the stress leaving the body.
And there you have it! Another assignment successfully turned in, another anxiety-induced crisis successfully averted!
Until next time, that is!
Oh, you thought this was a one-and-done fix? Haha, nice try there, slugger! You will need to repeat these six easy steps every time your roommate has an assignment!
Won't that be fun?
And for all you stressed-out roommates out there, be nice to your roommate! They care very much about you and your emotional well-being. Maybe after turning in that assignment, give them a nice big hug and a thank you! I'm sure they'll appreciate it!