When you are in a relationship that's bad for you, it's not always obvious. We think of bad romantic partners as being physically abusive, or constantly cheating or lying; but without these things, what else is going on that could be negatively impacting your emotional wellbeing?
From what I have seen, people who are in toxic relationships find it difficult to identify what makes their partner toxic — perhaps because being in love puts them in denial, or because they simply think that the things their partner does is normal in any relationship. When you're the one experiencing something, it's hard to put it in a perspective outside of the experience. Here's a (non-exhaustive) list of behaviors that are not healthy, and if you recognize any of them, it should give you cause to re-evaluate your relationship and question whether or not your partner is a good person for you to be with.
1. Jealousy for jealousy's sake.
They say that there’s no love without trust. This is usually interpreted to mean that if someone cannot be trusted, there can be no love in the relationship — but it’s actually the other way around. There can be no love if you are incapable of trusting. Don’t get behind the wheel of a car if you’re drunk; don’t get into a relationship if you have trust issues.
Some jealousy in a relationship is unavoidable. There’s a kind that is built from love for your partner, that only arises from simple human insecurity and encourages you only to hold on tighter.
But there is a jealousy that arises from love for yourself. It is possessive and controlling. It comes not from insecurity, but from pride, and it is irrational because it does not require precedent or evidence in order to be triggered. If your partner is this type of jealous, they love themselves more than they love you.
2. Personal attacks/blaming.
“You’re so dumb sometimes”; “Why can’t you do anything right?”; “Stop being so [insert negative adjective here].”
Statements like these are never acceptable, period. Not when you’re arguing. Not when you’re driving. Not even when your partner has actually done something wrong. There’s a difference between wanting to help your partner improve, and straight up insulting them.
Another sign of toxic behavior is when they call you too sensitive or otherwise invalidate your emotions when you try to let them know that these personal attacks are hurting you. If your partner is finding ways to blame you for the hurt that they are inflicting, that is a red flag.
3. No space.
It's nice to have someone to do everyday things with, like grocery shopping and going to the dentist, but no matter what stage you're at in a relationship, never is it okay to be spending every second of every day with your partner. It'll just get to your head, and whatever disagreements you have will build up and escalate. This is what having time away from each other is supposed to prevent.
You and your partner are two souls placed in two separate bodies for a reason. Your partner is not an extension of you. They are not your counterpart. You are your own person, and you should be allowed to grow and think and develop as an individual, not as half of a whole.
4. Arguing in public.
When your partner is constantly initiating arguments in public and making a scene, it shows a lack of constraint, which is one of way letting your feelings, rather than rational thought, control your actions.
Your relationship is not a soap opera for everyone to watch. If your partner refuses to wait until you two are alone before addressing an issue, it shows a lack of respect for the relationship and for you.
5. You find yourself changing.
And not in a good way. You start doing things you would never do, saying things you would never say, and altogether lose sight of the things that make you you because you sacrificed them in order to fit into the mold that your partner needs.
This type of change will not be obvious right away. It will be gradual, and slow. But if the person you are now is drastically different from the person you were before the relationship — moreover, if the person you are now is someone you don’t like — that is a sign that your partner is no good for you.
6. Romanticizing the toxicity.
Say it with me: You do not want crazy. You do not want a “fallin’ in and out of love with you” type of love. You do not want a constantly-arguing-one-second-making-up-the-next type of love. You do not want these things. Stop saying that crazy relationships are romantic, because they are not.
A real partner is supposed to be your best friend. You wouldn’t accept any of these things in a friendship; why then, when you add romantic love, is toxicity suddenly okay?
Toxicity is never okay. If your partner is not positively contributing to your mental well-being, the relationship cannot and should not last, and in all honesty, it's better to be single, happy, and healthy.
