I don't tell many people about the fact that I have depression. Most people that know about it are close to me, but I feel like I should be open and honest because if I treat it like something that is shameful then I am only reinforcing that. This article is for everyone who knows me and has wondered why I seem sad for no reason or have wondered why I stay and hide in my room for hours. This is my explanation.
1. I have days where I can't get out of bed
It's not that I don't feel getting out of bed some days, it's that I physically feel like I can't get out of bed. My body feels heavy and it takes an enormous amount of energy to simply go to the bathroom. I need a push to get out of bed. Sometimes that push is school or friend, but I need some help.
2. Depression doesn't need a trigger
A lot of times depression is a result of chemical imbalance, so I don't have a reason for every time I feel depressed. I just am. This doesn't mean my depression is illegitimate, so please don't tell me I shouldn't feel that way. This doesn't just apply to me, but to all people who deal with depression. Don't tell them that their feelings are not okay, just be there for support.
3. It's not that I don't want to hangout
Some days I feel so bad that I feel like anything or anyone I go near I will ruin. I isolate myself to protect people even though it doesn't make any sense. I don't want to hurt people and make them think I don't like them, but I don't want them to deal with me and all my problems. Anyone who I have blown off in the past, I hope you can accept this as my apology.
4. Self-criticism and schoolwork don't mix
Since I am so self-critical of myself, writing an essay is practically impossible. I struggle from line to line because I continually tell myself that it's garbage and that I'm going to fail. I question why I even try. Sometimes I don't even start to write essay until it's too close to the deadline because not writing the essay is better than putting crap on paper. I apologize to all the teachers who have had to deal with me never being able to meet a deadline.
5. Everyday is a struggle
I have depression everyday. Some days are much better than others. Some days I let depression kick me in the butt and some days I overcome it. It's something that I deal with all the time and that I will probably deal with it for the rest of my life.
I just want everyone to know that the person who can't get out of bed, the person who can't get work done, and the person who never wants to hangout is me, but not the real me. I am a happy and confident person who has depression and that's me.
