To who I was before transitioning,
Don't feel sad when you wake up in the morning and realized you've made it through another night spent wishing for death.
Dry your eyes and stop verbally destroying yourself alone, in your room, in front of your mirror. Don't push the feelings away anymore; the time has come to stop ignoring what you've known to be true. Say it. In your head, then aloud to yourself. Feel that weight lift off your shoulders and take your first breath of fresh air.
Your life has just begun and it's about to be so beautiful.
The year you're about to endure is going to be anything but easy. It'll be filled with hardships you thought you'd never get over, you'll lose people who you swore would be with you until the end, and you'll even question yourself for a majority of the time. But, I hate to spoil the ending for you, younger me, but everything is going to be fine. You're strong, and you're only about to become stronger.
Your mom, despite what your head is telling you as your shaking and hyperventilating trying to spit out the words "I'm a man", will accept you and become your biggest fan, supporter, cheerleader, everything.
Cherish that woman and don't snap at her when she asks you to express your feelings. She loves you more than you know, she's just trying to help but shes just as confused as you are. Relax.
You'll learn who your real friends are and those who don't support you will be cut off.
At first the disapproval from loved ones stings, but you'll learn to appreciate those who do support you that much more. People will stare, make it worth their while. Own it. This is who you are now, let it shine and don't be sorry for it. Embrace yourself.
Yes, you will start testosterone, and no you'll never really get over that fear of needles.
Every shot day you'll find yourself procrastinating in your boxers for twenty minutes while your ready-to-go syringe taunts you, trying to find the courage to just do it. Even after a year plus on T, you still have to hype yourself up to make the injection. Don't waste time examining every inch of yourself in the mirror searching for the changes that come with testosterone.
Be patient with yourself, always remember transitioning is not a competition. You'll get facial hair and you swear to yourself you'll never shave it but once you finally do you'll be glad you don't have that monstrosity of a beard on your face anymore. At one point in time you'll think shaving your head is a good idea and as much as I'd like to tell you not to because you'll look like someone put googly eyes on an egg, its a learning experience you'll get to cross off the bucket list, just stock up on hats for our sake.
Yes, you get your tits cut off, and yes, a year later you still brush your hand on your chest and feel a huge relief because it's flat and masculine.
The second the weather gets above 30 degrees you'll still be ripping your shirt off because you spent too much money to cover that bad boy up. You'll meet a girl, and in no time at all she becomes your best friend and your first real love as your authentic self which makes it all the more beautiful and powerful, though short-lived.
It hurts like hell, but don't fret, don't chase someone when you're the prize.
There is not one person alive worth laying in bed at night wondering why you weren't good enough. You'll learn how nasty people can be and how frequently the words "kill yourself" get thrown at you, but fear not for you are much higher above any of them are even on your lowest day. You are not any less than of a man because you haven't had your bottom surgery yet, you don't start at a disadvantage in comparison to other men. You are just as deserving of love and happiness as the next person.
Never, ever forget that.
I know right now it seems like your world is crumbling apart, younger me, but the year you're about to experience will change your life.
You'll finally end up who you're meant to be, who you're denying right now. I know you want so badly to give up and throw in the towel, but hold on, you'll be so glad you did. In a years time your life is going to be so vibrant, beautiful, and worth living. You'll wake in the morning and instead of feeling defeated, you'll be thankful and ecstatic to take on another day.
