Becoming an adult means you become more literate, and you can talk to other adults in a respectful and intelligent way. The thing they don't tell you is that some phrases are just too difficult to say out loud.
The phrases aren't particularly complicated, nor are they filled with strange vocabulary. These words beat against our brains and beg to be released from our lips, but something always holds us back, even though we know saying it will help us in the end. I often find myself lying awake at night thinking of the things I could have said to people and never did. Even after months of therapy, I've never said some fundamental things to my therapist.
As we grow, we go through many highs and lows, and we must learn how to say these simple phrases to help ourselves, even though the opposite is expected of us.
1. I miss you.
We all lose people, whether it is through break ups, conflict, growing apart, or distance. When someone walks out of your life, it can often be devastating depending on the way that they exited. When you break up with a significant other you always promise you will still be friends, but you know that’s just the white lie you tell so that the departure is ever so slightly less painful. You play it cool and make it seem like you're over it after a day of crying your eyes out.
Then there is that day you're walking through a store, and you hear the song that was playing when you first kissed. Your heart feels an enormous pang of hurt, and your fingers twitch towards your phone. You stop yourself because they don't want to hear from you, right? They most definitely have moved on and telling them you miss them would seem desperate.
Breaking up with someone, especially if things ended on reasonable terms, should not be the end of all contact. It is entirely normal to miss someone you once cared for, maybe even loved, so much. If you have lost friends to fights or differences that just can't be reconciled and you find yourself shedding a tear every once in a while because you remembered a fond memory of them, you're not as much of a loser as you may think.
When we extend ourselves to other people, and we lose them for whatever reason, it is like losing a part of ourselves. When we give our trust, we give a little part of our hearts, and we can feel the loss when it is taken away. There shouldn't be this taboo against trying to reconnect with someone or telling someone you thought of them. I can promise that the people you are missing have thought of you too, and they have gone through the same process you have. Don't let that connection die if you feel it's not meant to. Pick up your phone or drive to their house and tell someone you miss them because they probably miss you too.
2. I'm not OK.
This is arguably the most important, and arguably most unsaid, phrase among adults. People of any age are expected to know what they want out of life, to have everything figured out, and always to be mentally stable. The weight of those expectations is honestly life-ruining. Life, which is so complex in every way, is merely hard. We like to think we are in control of our relationships, career, finances, and ambitions all the time but, there is no way always to have everything be 100 percent. Nothing is constant.
When people ask you how you are, the answer that is expected is always just "good." In reality, everyone is fighting demons that can make it so difficult to function. There is no easy way to tell someone that you are so stressed you haven't eaten all day, or that you feel so lonely you have cried yourself to sleep every night for the last week, or that you just aren't feeling up to some tasks. As much as you want to reach out, you don't wish to feel like you are burdening people with your problems. Maybe you don't want them to look at you differently because you aren't this super-human that everyone is expected to be.
I am here to tell you that it’s OK. Most of us aren't, and we are just fighting day-to-day to get through it all. Adulthood is filled with heartbreak and disappointment that you don't always expect. You can always get through the low valleys of life. Sometimes you just need someone who knows about it.
Even if you just tell one person, that’s one more pair of shoulders holding some amount of weight that you carry on your back. Tell someone you know and trust that you just can't handle life right now. Don't feel ashamed for getting knocked down by life's struggles. Focus on how to get back up, and let someone lend you a hand. You are not weak.
3. I made a mistake.
Humans aren’t perfect; we can and will always be making mistakes. Making the mistake is the easy part. The hardest part is admitting to others that you were wrong. We always want to appear as if every decision we make is the right one. If the decision was a hard one or took a lot of work to get to then we, of course, want it to work out. Nothing is worse than when a relationship you swear was going to last ends, or when you get in a fight and realize you had been blind to someone’s real intentions, or you did something that ended with some pain when someone warned you of the outcome.
When your loved ones tell you that what you are doing is wrong, and you ignore them and end up getting hurt, it’s incredibly difficult to admit that they were right. Maybe your best friend told you that guy was totally wrong for you, but you dated him anyway and got your heart broken. Perhaps you took on a job that even you knew you couldn’t handle, and you ended up letting people down. Maybe you ended up losing a person in your life because of the decisions you made.
No matter what it is, crawling back and having to start over is not something many of us would risk our dignity doing. We need to accept our failures and learn from them rather than hide from the truth. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong; it’s all part of the learning process.
4. I don’t want to do this.
There are many times in life that we will find ourselves in a situation where we just can’t take it anymore, and we want out. However, we stay because we are scared or want to make it easier for others.
Staying in bad situations can do a lot of mental, and in some cases, even physical damage. I have seen marriages and relationships that have gone on too long. That ruin a person and cause emotional scarring that will never go away. If a person no longer complements your life and you don’t benefit each other in healthy ways, then it’s time for it to end. If someone is pressuring you to do something you don’t feel comfortable with, then you need to tell them and not just let it happen. No matter what it is, if you don’t want to have sex anymore, don’t want to be talked to in a way, or don’t like the way they treat your family, you don’t have to let it keep happening.
The same idea can be applied to jobs or college majors. If a job is sucking the life out of you, or your boss is just the worst, then you are free to move on. Your interests, wants, and needs will change as you grow, and you have to know that you can change your path to however you want to. Don’t let people walk all over you and don’t let your life pass you by while you're in a situation that makes you unhappy. Quit your job, break up with the jerk that has been cheating on you, and move out of the city where you keep getting mugged. Whatever it is in life that is getting you down and robbing you of your happiness, cut it out. Don’t let yourself fall into a victim mentality and take control of your life. You control it, and you determine what is allowed in it.
5. I love myself.
This phrase is one I have struggled with my entire life. Self-hate, especially in younger generations, is a familiar concept. Body image ideals have been distorted considerably since the creation of Photoshop. There are so many unrealistic goals for every gender set by the media that there is no way that any one human can ever look the way we are "supposed" to look.
Little girls grow up with the idea that they are expected to be thin, big-breasted, and clear-skinned. Boys see that they are supposed to be tall, muscular, and strong. Once you hit puberty, your body grows in every which way, and nothing looks like the people you see in ads. You hate what you see in the mirror and are always trying to change what you are. The farthest back I can remember first having body image issues is when I was only about 8-years-old.
There are these ideas that if you are too emotional, or like the "wrong" things, or just simply don't fit into narrow boxes that society has made for people to fit into, then you aren't allowed to love who you are. We need to stop expecting others to be a certain way when we can't even be the way society expects us to be.
Being fat, bad at math, gay or straight, too this, or too that is no reason ever to hate ourselves. We need to look in the mirror and accept that the way our bodies are and that we should be proud that we are who we are. We need to recognize that every thing we are, good or bad, makes us into a unique person that has dreams and ambitions.
I have lived on this earth for two decades, and I struggle with the idea of liking myself a little bit because I have spent most of my life hating every little part of myself. I have even convinced myself of these thoughts because I knew no other emotion towards myself other than disgust. The task of loving yourself for simply being the way you are is no easy one. It can take your whole life to come to terms with such an idea.
I think more people need to be open to the idea and that we need to stop hating others and ourselves for not following society’s preconceived ideas of how a person must be. We are just people trying to find our way through this world, and we need to spread the love.
