I used to depend on others to tell me who I was. I’m not sure at what point I decided it was safer for others to define me rather than do that myself. I can delve deeply into the realms of psychology. I can write an exhaustive list on how we as people might adhere to maladaptive behaviors that disassociate us from ourselves. I can become as meticulous and analytical about my past as I’d like. I can skim through memories in attempt to pin-point how I began to develop low self-worth. To find out when I decided to dedicate my life to allowing other people and situations influence my entire self-image. But I don’t have a lifetime to go backwards, magnifying glass in tote to take a road trip into my past. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Life is meant to be lived in a forward motion.

Back then I was liquid, I could form to the shape of any container that you put me into. Unbeknownst to me, I had to lose myself in order to discover who I truly was. Those were dark times. But I now have a deep gratitude for my darkness because it brought me into the light. I put myself back into therapy about 3 years ago and have no shame in shouting to the world that:

#1. I do go to therapy and it has helped me immensely.
#2. I think everyone should go because therapy is like a massage for your brain.
#3. I arguably have the best therapist in the world.

It’s taken hard work, dedication, meditation, and a crap-load of cognitive behavioral therapy to get to where I am today (a place that I am very proud of, thank you very much!). I see now that the place where I dwelled is no place to return to. That life is much better when you illuminate your own steps, rather than have someone else hold a flashlight out for you.

A person who defines their self-worth is somebody who takes control and responsibility for their life. They are not a victim to circumstance. They have an unshakable foundation. They are both humble and kind. They make mistakes yet aren’t defined by them. They f*** up with grace because know that it’s okay to f*** up. Fu***** up it’s just apart of being human. Now moving on from the curse words. The world is magic when you know who you are. It’s from this place of loving ourselves that we are fully capable of being present and loving others. Is there anything better than being able to give your most authentic version of you to others?

Yes, chocolate and cats.

Just kidding. Here are 5 things that happen when you decide to define your own self-worth.

1. You don’t accept opinions about you as truth.

Everyone is going to have an opinion about you. Regardless of what you say, how you act, what you wear, or how many burritos you eat after you decide you’re already too full to eat anymore. You can’t sway another person to feel or think a certain way about you. I mean, I suppose you could but who in their right mind has time for that? Also, who cares?! People will view you from THEIR version of the world. Not yours. How another person sees you is not a measurement of your worth as a human being. Repeat that.

2. You begin to see the positives about yourself.

Looking in the mirror is no longer a chore. As if magical fairy dust was sprinkled over you in your slumber, you wake up with a sense of excitement for the day because you know that a day is whatever you make it to be. As you dress yourself, you feel proud. Adorning yourself in whatever you please and not once does a throught of “who will think what” of this shirt pops up. Your inner critic has moved elsewhere, probably stuck to the bottom of your boot from when you stomped it out. You begin to dress for yourself. You start liking your body more and you notice that your subconscious thoughts, the first thoughts that thrust forward from the back of your temple, are more positive than they are negative. Life is good when you feel good.

3. You start to enjoy alone time.

For a long time I used solitude as a “get away”. To be alone was my comfort zone because it meant I didn’t have to do things I was afraid of doing. I was puzzled because even though I was by myself, I still felt terrible. There was nobody around to make me feel bad and yet I never felt good. I would be “relaxing" but I would never feel relaxed. It wasn’t until I realized I was exhausting myself because on a subconscious level, I was diligently spinning webs of self-hate. How nuts is that? It finally got so bad that something had to be done. Ignoring my internal discomforts never worked so call me crazy, but I decided to sit with them. Yep. This is the part where meditation rocked my world. The more I sat with my demons, the less frightening they became. As I learned to befriend myself, I realized that these thoughts came up for very good reasons. I did not drink them away. I did not reach to phone a friend for validation. I didn’t binge on Netflix or even a book. I sat. I battled my demons…and I won.

4. Your anxiety decreases.

All of the freedom from doubt, all of the fear of criticism or failure is still present. It never goes away. Ever. Remember that. But when you know who you are, you know that it’s a choice whether or not to believe in it. So you spend all of the energy that used to be spent fretting, succeeding. You spend it relaxing in the ease of the present moment. You spend it feeling loved and safe and creating a loving and safe container for those who are around you. Life is good when you trust yourself. Life is good when you are your own BFF. You. Are. The. Most. Important. Relationship. That. You. Will. Ever. Have. Because it’s through the relationships that we have with ourselves that we learn how to navigate our relationship with the world.

5. You feel whole.

You feel enough. You know that you are enough. Regardless of whether or not your day is as sunny as an afternoon in spring or cloudy as a glum afternoon in the dead of winter. You are wise enough to know that storms will come but they won’t stay around forever. You know what your wants and needs are. You begin to live a life in congruence to your personal values. You feel vibrant and whole and your life will reflect that.