As hard as it may be to believe, living the life of a man who sports a hearty face hedge, and I am of course talking about a beard, is no walk in the park. In fact, there are quite a few problems that those of us who eat shaving cream for breakfast generally face on a day-to-day basis. And no, being called “Mountain Man” and “Jesus” are not problems.

#5. Saving Some for Later

I don’t care who you are, if you have ever had facial hair past the point of the pre-pubescent excuse for manhood that little girl Crosby calls a playoff beard, you have gotten some kind of food or delicious treat stuck in your hedge not once, not twice, but every God D*** day. Don’t for a minute assume that by getting morsels stuck in one’s beard that makes them a messy eater or a pig. The fact of the matter is, the things are magnets for any and all kinds of foods no matter how hard you try to avoid or deny it. But please, for those of you who are fortunate enough to know someone with a beard, don’t feel intimidated. All we ask is for some kind of hint that we have an unwanted snack for later clinging on for dear life. Or, for my bearded brothers out there, wipe your face after every bite. Your beard (and your girlfriend) will thank you.

#4. Thinking Every Child is Afraid of You

There are few better feelings than caressing one’s beard while pondering even the most enigmatic questions of the universe. However, catching the eye of a small child in public who lets out a scream simply from you looking in his vicinity is not always a fun experience. I know, I know, kids stare; they have different sensitivities to self-esteem, staring to them is just noticing something new. But when nearly every single child you come across becomes stone faced at the sight of your majestic manliness, it certainly doesn’t make you feel very good. Hey, you never know though, maybe they are just taking mental notes for later in life.

#3. Your Beard Wants a Drink Too!

Or perhaps mustache would be a better replacement. Either way, you better get used to sipping or wiping your face regularly because drinking too quickly will give you not only an unexpected soaking of your neck about 2 minutes later, but will also give you a beard which not only smells of rich oak wood, but of your tasty brew as well. Now, while some of you may wonder "But how could having the rich smell of hops all day be a bad thing?", I must admit that it is certainly not the most wonderful feeling in the world to feel beer dripping off of a freshly groomed and oiled beard. You are a gentleman and a scholar, damn it. Just because we look like vikings doesn't mean we have to smell like them too. Which brings me to my next point...

#2. Keeping a Frosty Face

For those of you reading this who are 'privileged' enough to have experienced an entire winter in Grand Forks, ND, I'm quite sure you know that wind, moisture, and the second coldest weather in the United States does not mix particularly well. I am from Alaska (coincidentally the only place voted to be colder than North Dakota in the US, what was I thinking you must be wondering) and sometimes a wool scarf just won't cut it. There is nothing better than having a natural, and not to mention indefinitely permanent, face warmer. That is... until you take a shower before going to class and only realize when your face suddenly feels about 5 pounds heavier that you may have made a mistake not drying off before venturing out into the white abyss that is a Grand Forks winter. Or having your mustache hairs freeze over your mouth, take your pick. Speaking of painful beard occurrences...

#1. A Beard Wielder's Worst Enemy

Apart from razors that is, zippers and full beards simply don't mix. Especially when you are zipping up to go out for a nice stroll and forget about your majestic face mane until it feels like someone is jamming white hot needles into your chin. God forbid the zipper takes a chunk with it when it finally releases your face and you need to perform cosmetic surgery before going out into public again. As if it needs to be said, I would not wish this fate on my worst enemy as it is one of the most painful experiences a man can go through. However, despite these problems we bearded men inevitably experience on a regular basis, with the right amount of love and care (and cleaning of course), a beard can also be the most glorious thing in the world. Just remember to keep it presentable so you don't give the rest of us who value class a bad image.