Your eyes fly open, you look down and you realize you're still wearing your outfit from the night before; even your shoes are still on and they are perfectly tied. Suddenly you're aware of the dryness of your mouth. Did I swallow a cotton ball last night? When was the last time I brushed my teeth? You mull these questions over until you realize it's time to get up. You roll over out of bed and bravely look in the mirror and see yourself looking back at you, except this version of you looks like you just endured a few exorcisms and maybe even a colonoscopy too. But I'm here to tell you that you're not a satanic spirit, you're just hungover.

As college students, we need to stick together. We need to support one another. And we need to reveal our hangover secrets to better mankind and make our genes suitable for natural selection.

I'm here, on behalf of all students, to share with you my top five hangover cures. Together, we can make a difference.

1. Pedialyte.

I know what you're thinking, "Hey Kimmie, isn't Pedialyte for dehydrated toddlers with diarrhea problems?" Well, Chad, you are correct. It is used for toddlers with confusing stool samples. It's also used for hungover adults, who, realistically, are also toddlers. Pedialyte has twice the sodium and five times the potassium than a regular sized bottle of Gatorade AND half the calories. So to all of my calorie counting companions, this is a great alternative. It's so hydrating that your hangover symptoms pretty much disappear before you even finish the bottle. Don't believe me? Just ask my oldest sister. She went to Bonnaroo in Tennessee this summer (a big music festival where people sleep in tents and smell like foot-long subs) and said that between the copious amounts of alcohol she drank and the burning sun, her hangovers were almost unbearable. Being the smart and prepared person that she is, she made sure to pack Pedialyte. After drinking just half the bottle, she felt like a new person. Ten out of 10 would recommend.

See, even Miley's doing it.

2. Greasy Food.

Story time: A few weeks ago I went out to a little soiree with my friends and decided to drink as much as a German father would at Oktoberfest. Needless to say, the last thing I remember was yelling "OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG" before I broke out into my famous dance moves (which is a little routine that I like to call "white people must be stopped"). I woke up in the morning fully clothed, with a trashcan next to my bed, a full glass of water, and a stomach that hadn't eaten since 3 p.m. the day before. I tried to fall back asleep but my body refused, waking me up routinely to run to the bathroom and hunch over the toilet. I didn't know what to do. The world was spinning and natural light was burning my retinas. I started contacting lawyers to begin writing my will and I picked the perfect selfie to be used in my obituary. But before I could commit to death, my mom took me out to eat, and after a round of greasy pasta and chicken, I felt a new breath of life. I know sometimes it feels impossible to put even a crumb of food in your mouth when you're this hungover, but for the love of God, just do it anyway. Whatever you do, just give your body some nutrients.

You should have various types of pasta falling out of your mouth at all times.

3. Shower.

I'm a firm believer that a nice, long shower can make you feel completely rejuvenated, especially the morning after a night of binge drinking. There's something magical about hot water pouring down on you when all you can think about is that eighth shot of tequila you took last night. My advice to you: if you have the day to chill, take a warm shower and thoroughly clean yourself. Scrub your face, shampoo, condition, the whole nine yards. There's nothing worse than waiting all day to shower and catching whiffs of the alcohol radiating from your pores (that's a real thing, people). However, if you've got a long day ahead of you and you can't seem to shake the hangover blues, take a cold shower and use lively body wash, something that will make your skin feel alive and ready to go. Try not to use soaps that smell like your alcohol from the night before. My roommate last year shaved her legs with a strawberry shaving cream and almost vomited in the shower because it smelled like the vodka she funneled less than 12 hours before.

If you do it right, you should probably look something like this

4. Pain relievers.

Now, I'm not here to advocate for taking pills all willy nilly, because I don't think it's necessary after every night of drinking. However, there are those mornings where your headache just refuses to piss off. For those mornings, my suggestion to you is to keep Ibuprofen next to your bed. Just a pill or two will do. NEVER take acetaminophen (Tylenol) because it causes more harm than good. Acetaminophen can damage the liver, which you already trashed the night before, and can cause more complicated, further damage down the line if you routinely use it. If you know that you'll have a splitting headache in the morning, set your alarm an hour early to take the Ibuprofen, then go back to bed. This will make your wake up process a little bit easier and will keep those pesky headaches at bay.

Butt pills, definitely.

5. Exercise.

Yeah, yeah, I know this is the last thing anyone wants to hear, but it works. After a night of drinking, your body is low on nutrients and hydration. Peel yourself out of bed, throw on some sneakers, and bring a huge water bottle. After some time at the gym, you'll start sweating and inevitably drinking water. Working out speeds up your metabolism and prepares your body to be filled with food and water. It might sound miserable now, but a quick jog on the treadmill is all it really takes. Besides, you'll be able to brag to your friends about how you're a put together young adult who perseveres through hangovers and works on your washboard abs instead of wallowing in self pity. Maybe you'll run into the person you hooked up with the night before on the elliptical and share lustful bouts of eye contact. I'll call the wedding planner. This hangover cure is even better than an eHarmony account.

You could always skip the exercise and go back to bed, right?

Whether you're a college student, young adult, or an adult who has been drinking for 50 years, we can all agree that sometimes we get carried away. Instead of avoiding parties or get-togethers with friends, keep in mind these hangover cures. As long as you drink in moderation and are cautious of your limits, your drinking escapades can be both safe and enjoyable.

For those of you embarrassed about your hungover mornings, just remember that before I developed these tricks, I would routinely wake up at 8 a.m. on Saturday mornings and take the Brita filter to the face. I'm here to remind you that you can only go up from here.