This article will refer to a relationship with a friend that I terminated earlier this year. The friend or roommate alluded is the same person whose name has been withheld for confidentiality.
Last year, I moved to Germany, embarking with my best friend on the adventure of a lifetime. We spent an entire academic year living in Bavaria. When you move abroad there are a lot of challenges none the least of which is the harrowing experience of knowing no one in town, or, for us, the country. Luckily, we participated in a very large exchange program and were provided with many companions in like positions. Friendships form fast between desperate people.
The international students became my family abroad and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Because of these wonderful people, my first experience living on my own proceeded much more smoothly than I ever could have imagined. In situations like these, surrounded by wonderful, caring people, it is often easy to become consumed in your faith in humanity. Despite the many awesome people I met and became close with while abroad, there is always at least one rotten one that threatens to spoil the whole bunch, as they say.
Here are four ways to spot a toxic friend:
Their Behavior
The way a person behaves in different social situations should change only minimally. If you notice that a person seems to drastically change their behavior depending on who they're around, be wary of them. My friend was a completely different person in our apartment than she was in public. She would alter her speech patterns and agonize over the appropriate attire; she always seemed to be painting a picture of what she would like others to think of her.
What They Say
People that always seem to be in the middle of some kind of conflict, usually put themselves in the eye of the storm. They ferret out and instigate tensions for their own entertainment.
My friend loved to grab a bottle of wine and gossip about the others in our friend group. Eventually, I learned that she would do this with everyone, spreading rumors and drunken opinions around and sowing seeds of discontent. She told me once that she didn't know what to do with her life when it was void of drama.
How free is their generosity
Friends that give gifts of their time or money and then expect a grand gesture of repayment or go around bragging about their gifts to you are toxic. They use their generosity to elevate their social position over yours, e.g., they make themselves look like the “better” friend to other people by constantly pointing out how much they support you.
I couldn't leave my house wearing anything my roommate had given me because she would show it to everyone, emphasizing that she had bought it and how expensive it was. Being on a tighter budget than she was, I could not reciprocate with the same frequency or manner of gifts. Because of that she expected me to fawn over her generosity.
How Supportive Are They
People that only care about their own problems are toxic friends. They expect everyone else to listen to and help with their troubles, but are nowhere to be found, or worse, are dismissive of yours. If a person doesn't feel that both of your problems are important and valid, then you should reconsider the place that person has in your life.
Whenever I was homesick or struggling with school, she never had an encouraging thing to say, choosing instead to berate me and mock my apparent ignorance. When her parents didn't send her money for a week because she had maxed out their credit card for the second time in three months, I had to listen to her cry and talk about starving, but when I pointed out that it was only a week, and she had spent too much money on frivolous things, she refused to speak to me until her bank account was full again.
In high school, toxic friendships are the norm and no one thinks anything of them, but if you have a friend that is displaying any of these kinds of behaviors, I would like to encourage you to think about breaking up them. As a victim of a toxic friendship, I can tell you once you do, life gets much happier. As adults, we are no longer required to engage in unfulfilling relationships.
