Face it. This year holds some of the worst presidential candidates in recent history. But hey, not to worry. I put it upon myself to write a list of twenty-five aspiring heroes that deserve to fly our flag more than anyone else. Who else can represent us and hold secret our nuclear launch codes but none other than...
Sonic the Hedgehog
Donning our patriotic colors and always toting a thumbs-up, he'd be perfect for the presidential candidacy.
Philip J. Fry
I'm sorry, but can anyone currently running dance better than this?
A bottle of Pantene shampoo
Takes care of your hair, your hygiene and your health insurance!
Alex Trebek
He practically knows everything and only gives money away to smart people. This one is a no-brainer, honestly.
Sailor Moon
She can fight evil by moonlight, AND win love by daylight.
A corn field
They're everywhere in the patriotic plains of the United States. Who better to represent the richest of America's soil?
Harambe
A brother, a friend, a son. I vote for his pure, resting soul.
Alexander Hamilton
Say it ain't so.
Chester Arthur
You remember that thing he did when he was president? Neither do I. Better than bad news, am I right?
My cat
He always pees on stuff, but I think he'd do okay at releasing his tax forms.
This chameleon
JUST LOOK AT HIM. HE IS WONDERFUL.
Yosef
Our very own Yosef, making all the children happy even in the midst of academic turmoil.
This sack of avocadoes
Organic, tasty and good for you. So pure. They probably wouldn't be able to get over the wall by themselves, though.
Deez Nuts
What happened to the guys that actually made Deez Nuts a candidate and why do they refuse to return to us?
Squidward Tentacles
A perfect representative for the common man.
A tube of Clorox disinfecting wipes
This would easily wipe the grime off of the cogs of the capitalist machine.
Pikachu
I don't exactly have an argument for this one; I just really like the gif.
The sweet embrace of death
Nothing matters, does it? We're just spinning around on a microscopic rock orbiting a huge ball of burning gas that will ram into us at some point.
Frank Ocean
...Like? Blonde can explain this one. Lit, fam.
Sportacus
This courageous man's activism towards the bitter end of child obesity cannot go unseen. He never stops moving, so he could always start running.
A box of Tampax Pearl tampons
Not much seems to protect women's rights better these days.
Fred Jones
Unmasking them crooks left and right, Fred Jones can scope out white-collar crime in an instant. You could get away with private emails if it wasn't for this meddling kid.
This potato chip shaped like Abraham Lincoln’s head
It's more or less the same thing, isn't it?
One of the two paddles from Pong
It's consistent at least 90% of the time and will do what you tell it to do without question.
Myself
Just kidding fam lol.
I remember when Donald and Hilary were just memes. Can we, like, go back to that?
